ladymirth: (dream)
Lost

This cavern just keeps
On burrowing deeper
No light at the end;
Maybe forever
Tunneling just beneath
The sunlit surface
Either way
It doesn’t matter
Because I am now
Resigned to blindness
This airy void is
All I remember
Save for shadows
In my mind
The light that cast
Them, long expired

It’s been so long since
I’ve felt my extremities 
I wonder if they
Still exist
I can’t tell whether I’m
Still alive or
Merely just a soul
Cast adrift?
I’ve missed the sun
For so long
I’m afraid it might now
Burn out my eyes
I’ve forgot the feel
Of the wind in my face;
It all almost seems a
Half-dreamt lie

I’ve been swallowed
In darkness so long
I’ve lost all hope
Of the light
I’m racing past
The core of the Earth; maybe
I’ll yet see you
On the other side.  


ETA: Oh, shit. I just realized I've written this to the tune of "The Call" from Prince Caspian.  
ladymirth: (hamlet)
This may be the most hilarious wikipedia article ever.  

Which inspired me to search out the Cracked article on the subject.  Which is not half as funny as you'd expect, considering the source material. Whatevs. 

I've been reading Questionable Content obsessively for the last two days. I blame [livejournal.com profile] viciousberries. I also kind of have a crush on Marten Reed. He is almost my ideal man, and posesses a lot of Boy's more endearing personality traits - being more sexually inhibited than his girlfriend, charming self-deprecation etc. D'aww! 

I'm turning twenty-two in less than two hours. It figures that I've been spending the majority of today curled up in a fetal position, having anxiety attacks.

What have I done in the past year that's worth mentioning? 

1. Built a successful relationship. (Although I'm not sure whether I deserve much credit for that since I spent the greater part of the year in a depressed funk trying my best to chase Boy off)
2. Wrote two enlightening research papers: "Is pornography harmful to women?" and "Should FGC be criminalized?". 
3.Finished my transfer credits at ANC.
4. Held down a job for two months working for a creepy psychopath.
5. Interviewed an international sports celebrity in the process
6. Starred in a semi-professional play
7. Donated over a hundred of my old books and helped build a library for underaged kids. 
8. Almost got my driver's license (final test is in August). 
9. Wrote a fuckton of poetry. 
10. Discovered Batman, Christian Bale and DC Comics.

Hmm. That's more than I thought. And yet, I have yet to feel a sense of acheivement from any of them. I suppose this is because of my complex and deep-seated psychological issues. 

And on the flip side of that coin, I: 
1) Failed to maintain some promising friendships. 
2) Got one "incomplete" and and one (completely unfair) D, thereby tanking my GPA. 
3) Only made the Dean's list one more time after my first year. 
4) Failed to apply for and transfer to Canada and am now grappling with the fact that I don't even want to study or read or do much of anything anymore. 
5) Failed to hold down the job for more than two months; failed to find another job after leaving the place or even kick-start my freelancing career. 
6) Tanked the closing night performance of the play (Holy hell, I forgot I never followed up my post on that) and came out of the experience thoroughly disillusioned with acting. 
7)Failed to keep a long-term involvement with the library-building charity because of depression-related issues. 
8)Failed to get over my depression. 
9)Failed to re-take and this time complete ballroom dancing classes.
10) Failed to maintain the needful exercise-and-diet regimen. 
11) Failed to write any fanfic or anything much save the aforesaid fuckton of poetry.

Failed, failed, failed, failed. 
 
And to cap it off, Christian Bale flipped out, Batman turned out to be a manipulative asshole and then DC Comics killed him and proceeded to completely fuck my favourite characters to shit. 

No wonder I'm depressed. 

I think I need a stiff drink so I don't start thinking about what my next birthday might be like. Maybe I'll be depressed, alone and single

ladymirth: (dream)




The Consequences of Cowardice


She pressed her hands
to the glass as a child,
Then promised to go out
and greet the flowers today
But it looked like rain
and she was afraid of the bees,
So she stayed in till the winds
had blown them all away

She heard the sea gulls
call as a girl
And she raced outside
to meet their cry
But the gates fell shut
and hemmed her in
She hammered her fists
with a relieved sigh

She was a young lass when
she saw the tall spire,
Of the clock tower, rising
above the city lights
She would gain the highest tier,
high as her heart desired
When she learned the secret
of unfalling flight

She was a middle-aged maid
when she saw the stars falling
And knew she would never
know where they fell
For she had lived her life pinning
dreams against her ceiling
And made her childhood home
a lonely cell

She was an old woman dying
when she felt the wind blowing
Towing with it the thousand
scents of the earth
Once, her thoughts in their wake
would be following
Now she cared naught for other
than her home and hearth

She was a corpse when they buried her
just beyond her door
In an unmarked grave soon
become unknown
And in her decaying sleep she still
lies there waiting
Till the day she can face
the world on her own

Update

May. 1st, 2009 03:47 pm
ladymirth: (hamlet)
I've been depressed since February. Quit my job. Refused to be medicated. Tried homeopathy. Reccomended cousellor won't be available till the 10th though. Went back to gym. I thought I was getting better for a while. 

Went on a downward spiral again two days ago. Back at rock bottom now. So many things to do, so many talents and opportunities I have to make use of and I can't make myself do a shitting thing without having a massive panic attack. Wondering whether I won't be able to go to uni this year as well. 

Not that I particularly want to go. I don't want anything, much. I don't want to read anything, watch anything on TV, listen to new music or talk to friends or hunt up my old dreams...nothing really. Can't focus to save my life.

I just really want to want something from life again, so I can start remembering who I am. I just want to not be in pain anymore. 

I didn't want to say anything because so many of you are dealing with worse problems than mine. I know it's selfish to whine. Academically, I know there's nothing wrong with my life apart from my depression. That's why it's even more infuriating to have every advantage available to you and still feel crippled because your dumbass brain is refusing to let you be happy. 
ladymirth: (hamlet)
Hamster Wheel

I am a hamster
Trapped in a world too large
Boxed in a cage too small
Food in trays
Water in bowls
Love in petting fingers
Safe in a home
I don’t belong
Nothing to do
But run on my play wheel
Run and run and run and run
Let it spin and spin and spin
Make it turn and turn and turn
For if it stops
I shall remember that
I am a hamster
Trapped in a world too large
Boxed in a cage too small
Remember that
I don’t belong
And never will.


 
ladymirth: (hamlet)

 As the deafening vacuum of air

Starves out the furious flame,
 

As the hammering sheets of rain

Subdues into mud the snake-
 
-coils of suffocating dust,
 


As the destructive wake 
 
Of an undammed flood
 

Submerges the animal detritus 
 
Out of sight and mind,
 


As the hacking cough 
 
Dislodges the phlegmy refuse

From a tortured windpipe,
 

Such relief is the stage to me

The sharp inhale of theatricality

Exhaled gustily in an abandon 

Of melodrama


Flushing out the pin-pricks,

The poisons and pollutants,

Of my malaise-riddled spirit
 

To breathe in sweet release

But for a moment.  

Fall

Nov. 17th, 2008 02:34 pm
ladymirth: (damn)
Fall to Liberation

Snip away the fetters
Of your kin from your skin
Snip! Snip! Snip! 

Glory in the numbness
Of their bleeding sting
Sting! Sting! Sting!

Whipping winds halo you
As you spread your wings
Whip! Whip! Whip!

Beneath the high ledge
Peace smiles beckoning
Beckoning! Beckoning!

Good bye to the minute life
Scurrying between your feet
Good bye! Good bye!

Fall forward into Heaven's arms
And breathe in deep
Deep! Deep! Deep!

Fly a diving glide
In Death’s sure slipstream
Fly! Fly! Fly!

Let Fate’s comforting cradle
Drown you in sweet sleep
Sleep! Sleep! Sleep!

Hissing air flays off your cares
In Gravity’s grip
Hiss! Hiss! Hiss!

The Earth rises for a final blow
And then…only bliss
Bliss! Bliss! Bliss!


ladymirth: (tag sparrow)
I wish I were an acrobat
Make my body most compact
Fold myself a full-body limb lock
And stow away inside a box 
ladymirth: (contained excitement)
Sunday
On Sunday life will begin at dawn
On Sunday glad my heart will be
On Sunday my pills will all be gone
And I will at last come home to me

On Sunday the world will spin slow again
On Sunday I’ll feel my fingertips
On Sunday I’ll walk in straight lines
And not feel my heart against my ribs

On Sunday I’ll feel the want of food
On Sunday I’ll taste sweet water
On Sunday chocolates will make life good
And I will be again my parents' daughter

On Sunday my house won’t be a brown study
On Sunday will go my mother’s frowns
On Sunday I’ll upend Dad’s glass of whiskey
And he will have no more tears to drown

On Sunday I’ll begin to be a friend
On Sunday I’ll be a lover true
On Sunday I’ll learn to care again
And those I’ve spurned, once more I'll woo

On Sunday I’ll learn if the doctor lied
On Sunday I’ll learn if there is a God
On Sunday I’ll learn if my demon has died
Or all my hopes have been for naught

 
ladymirth: (hamlet)
Anomie

There is no thought in my head
Only a handful of brain cells
Tickling my skull
Like marbles trapped within a rattle
There are only vague feelings
Of contempt for my past
Surrealism of my present
And hollowness for the future
I am not there
Only an image that people see
Through the eyes of their memory
And expectations
Voices tell me who I am
Where I go and what I want
And yet, "I" do not exist
As though the astral umblical cord
Attaching self to my being
Has detached  and self-aborted
Leaving only a bleeding
And barren womb

Depression

My heart rams itself
Against my lungs
Tries to claw its way
Out through my throat
Trying to leave this body
Without substance
My soul trickles out
Day by night
Beneath my heavy eyelids
Escaping the vaccuum of mind
My breath counts lessen
My limbs atrophy
Death taking me
In all but physiology

Numbness

I forget the beauty of the waking world
I forget the breath from lightened lungs
I forget the taste of want and thirst
I forget the feel of rain and sun

These things will no more encumber
My quest to cease my tremoring mind
Wandering a land between death and slumber
I crave only the peace of benumbed night
 
ladymirth: (self-destruct)
Dear Brain,

I know you're on meds, but you're being a right brat. It's fucking 11. 45. Either turn the hell off, or do something productive. It's no good telling me you don't want to read, write or study. I refuse to stare blankly at the wall, esp since you won't seem to stand for that either. This is just fucking ridiculous. Make up your mind and behave yourself!

Go. To. Sleep. 

No love at all,
Me.  
ladymirth: (contained excitement)
I took a good look at myself in the mirror today. I look like something out of the Night of the Living Dead. If I had a Halloween party to go to, I wouldn't even need a costume.  

Stomach seems to have settled some. I believe I'm on the mend. Probably feel even better after I have some breakfast. Hopefully, it will stay in my stomach. Existing for 48 hours on diet of water and bran crackers is no joke, let me tell you. 

I suppose I could drag myself off to class if I had to. I missed three classes yesterday and I have another two today. I'm not so much sick anymore as exhausted and emaciated, neither of which matters much when you have a 90% attendance record to maintain and all you need to do to maintain it is get your butt in the classroom seat. But if I go to class, I would need to complete my assignments and I have a reading to give for cultural anthropology. Fuck that shit. I can barely focus on making an LJ post, let alone work out the finer points of demand elasticity. 

I would feel much better about this decision if [livejournal.com profile] lostprincess87 hasn't been going to work and weddings and attending graduation ball committee meetings for the past three days with a busted knee and a 100 degree flu. Granted, this comes under mad and self-destructive behaviour and possibly international crime in the form of germ warfare, but it still makes you feel like you're being rather indulgent with yourself. On the plus side, she is coming over today so we can be sick together and exchange tales of woe and squee over Supernatural and Christian Bale. 

People all over the world are prepping themselves for a bout of carpal tunnel syndrome today as NaNoWriMo starts up. Pavi is one of them, but I'm not. I didn't expect this would happen when I signed up for it so hopefully a month and half ago and made myself a shiny new writing journal. 

Everyone wants me to go to York U. I believe I once wanted to go to York U too. Now I don't know what I want anymore. I don't want to leave the country in two months. But I don't know whether I want to stay here either. Added to the complication is the fact that I just missed York U's deadline for submitting supplementary documents. 

I'm just so tired. Not just in my very bones, but in my mind and spirit. Life feels so tasteless and dull and I'm sick of having to live through it like I've been force-feeding myself bran crackers for the past two days. At least I didn't have to pretend to like it, or want more of it. 

I'm just waiting for my stomach to cease being an explosive acid pit so I can resume taking my anti-deps again. I really hope they provide some relief. 
ladymirth: (what did i do?)
I have clinical depression. Again. Apparently I've had it since June, only my religious gym-going prevented it from getting very bad. There's something to be said for getting a daily dose of endorphins. But I had to stop going at the beginning of the month because I hurt my ankle and my condition has got steadily worse until I got finally clued into the factthat I had a medical condition and I hadn't somehow inexplicably devolved into the Queen Bitch of the World. Had to wait a week to see my counselor to get it confirmed (she was off supervising war relief efforts with the U.N). During which time I've got even worse. It's got to the point where I keep forgetting what day of the week it is.

Apparently I have cyclical depression. This means that if you get depression once, for whatever reason, chemical imbalances in the brain continue to re-occur at intervals. And since last time, I was severely depressed for months before I thought to get some proper treatment, my brain chemistry has been fucked to shit, and just one round of anti-depressants for a couple of weeks wasn't going to cut it for very long. So either my brain will get its act  together after another couple of rounds of Prozac, or I'll be popping pills for the rest of my life. 

Also, although the drugs will start kicking in after a couple of weeks, it's quite likely I'm going to get a whole lot worse before I get better. I haven't forgotten the side-effects from last time. On the other hand though, I'm relieved I finally know what the hell is up with me. 

Meanwhile, I can't see my doctor till tomorrow and my brain has been at its worst today. Which was not helped by the fact that it has been one of those days where you can practically feel Murphy at your shoulder, saying "I told you so". 

*groan*


ladymirth: (broken alec)
I want to stop trembling.

I want to stop taking pills. 

I want to stop whining. 

I want to find something to be enthusiastic about. Anything. 

I want to spend time with all my friends.

I want my weekly dose of the therapeutic Winchester pretty.

I want Show back!!

P.S: It is official. The Ackles has great therapeutic value. I just spent over a hour ogling him in fanvids on YouTube and being completely distracted from all the aches and tremors and existential angst. They should market him as anti-depressant. The only side-effects of the Ackles anti-depressant is possible ovary explosion, severe addiction and excessive drooling. Although withdrawal can be a bitch.

P.S2: I just realized that he's wearing eyeliner in my icon! How come they make him wear eyeliner everytime he has to come over all emo? Do they think the Ackting cannot stand without the emo Goth eyeliner to really make a statement? I thought it was just a quirk of the SPN make-up department, but apparently the folks over at Dark Angel had the same idea. Somebody should do an Eyeliner!Jensen picspam.
ladymirth: (ring)
Today, the nice doc gave me the HARD stuff. As in the real knock-out dope. I have just taken it, and I expect to crash in ten minutes, tops. 

You know what this means? It means - Tonight, I Shall Sleep.

On the flip side, it also means that I'll have to find another time to catch up with my comments and f-list entries and such. Hmmf! That part was fun. I shall have to rearrange my LJ habits now. 

Right. So, see you in the morning. For I shall presumably be awake in the morning. I hope. 

Good night. *Yawn* 

*YAWN* 

*ATTEMPTS TO SWALLOW THE COSMOS AND A FEW STRAY MOSQUITOES* 

*YAWN, DAMN IT* 

*zzzzzt*

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