Update

I've been depressed since February. Quit my job. Refused to be medicated. Tried homeopathy. Reccomended cousellor won't be available till the 10th though. Went back to gym. I thought I was getting better for a while. 

Went on a downward spiral again two days ago. Back at rock bottom now. So many things to do, so many talents and opportunities I have to make use of and I can't make myself do a shitting thing without having a massive panic attack. Wondering whether I won't be able to go to uni this year as well. 

Not that I particularly want to go. I don't want anything, much. I don't want to read anything, watch anything on TV, listen to new music or talk to friends or hunt up my old dreams...nothing really. Can't focus to save my life.

I just really want to want something from life again, so I can start remembering who I am. I just want to not be in pain anymore. 

I didn't want to say anything because so many of you are dealing with worse problems than mine. I know it's selfish to whine. Academically, I know there's nothing wrong with my life apart from my depression. That's why it's even more infuriating to have every advantage available to you and still feel crippled because your dumbass brain is refusing to let you be happy.