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I’ve seen the darkness.
Let it be known that I have seen all.
I’m actually a no-talent nobody whom people generally only tolerate with a barely hidden condescension. I’m really not a funny person – that is pure self-delusion. I’m actually a bloody bore destined to lead a frighteningly bland, mediocre life, which will probably look like a supporting role in a James Joyce novel. Nobody will ever need me, or want me, or love me other than my parents. They love me because they have to. They’d feel guilty about procreation otherwise. I’m of no use to anybody. Just a fly in the windshield of life.
Some people may say I’m pretty now, but I’ll probably develop sagging cheekbones at 25 and it’ll all be downhill from there. I’ll be a dark, dumpy old hag nobody would look twice at, by the time I’m 30. I’ll probably have to succumb to an arranged marriage. And divorce at 40.
What was it my one-time great friend once said? “Nobody who ever had to live with you could ever like you”. She should know. She was my traveling companion and roommate for a solid month, and the only person I’ve lived with apart from my family.
I have a serious fear of divorce. Everybody knows I can’t keep my commitments. Nobody in the family has ever got a divorce except my uncle and people only overlook that because he’s a man and he’s rich. Widows have a hard enough time of it, female divorcees practically have “failure” tattooed on their foreheads as far as my culture is concerned. Stupid bloody conservative culture!
I’ll probably turn into a petty, jealous, malcontent, self-absorbed, boring old hag. I’m halfway there already. I’m going to be so horribly alone!
I don’t want to live anymore. The world is too big for me. And the years are too long.
Fuck positive thinking. It’s just not possible at one o’clock in the morning.
I’m actually a no-talent nobody whom people generally only tolerate with a barely hidden condescension. I’m really not a funny person – that is pure self-delusion. I’m actually a bloody bore destined to lead a frighteningly bland, mediocre life, which will probably look like a supporting role in a James Joyce novel. Nobody will ever need me, or want me, or love me other than my parents. They love me because they have to. They’d feel guilty about procreation otherwise. I’m of no use to anybody. Just a fly in the windshield of life.
Some people may say I’m pretty now, but I’ll probably develop sagging cheekbones at 25 and it’ll all be downhill from there. I’ll be a dark, dumpy old hag nobody would look twice at, by the time I’m 30. I’ll probably have to succumb to an arranged marriage. And divorce at 40.
What was it my one-time great friend once said? “Nobody who ever had to live with you could ever like you”. She should know. She was my traveling companion and roommate for a solid month, and the only person I’ve lived with apart from my family.
I have a serious fear of divorce. Everybody knows I can’t keep my commitments. Nobody in the family has ever got a divorce except my uncle and people only overlook that because he’s a man and he’s rich. Widows have a hard enough time of it, female divorcees practically have “failure” tattooed on their foreheads as far as my culture is concerned. Stupid bloody conservative culture!
I’ll probably turn into a petty, jealous, malcontent, self-absorbed, boring old hag. I’m halfway there already. I’m going to be so horribly alone!
I don’t want to live anymore. The world is too big for me. And the years are too long.
Fuck positive thinking. It’s just not possible at one o’clock in the morning.
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See ya,
Anna.
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I have to call the bullshit here.
Why? Because I have a terrible divorce phobia. What I learned is that you start with small commitments and slowly work your way up. You work your way from making a commitment to a fish to a dog/cat to a boyfriend to a lover to a husband. Sometimes you leap, sometimes you stumble but the best words ever written were: "Put one foot forward, and keep inching toward daylight" by Matthew Woodring Stover.
You don't want to be trapped in the world you're seeing? You can change it. One step at a time. First step is to remember that you are worthy and you are loved. Those things you talk about turning into are only possibilities on a range of possibilities. And you're the one in control.
*hugs*
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You are absolutely right! It is bullshit! I think I sort of knew it even when I was writing it, though I was too busy wallowing in my own misery to care.
Bejesus! I'm turning into a "sighing, slack-jawed, self-pitying wallower"! Eugh!
In fact, I was about to take down this post when I realized I would delete your comment too. So I'm going to save it to my hard drive. I'll hunt it up next time I'm in danger of wallowing. I love it that you didn't bother sugar coating it. It is bullshit! I mean, geez, I'm not even 20 yet!
I can't believe you have a phobia of divorce! You and Scott seem to have it all so together. I can't imagine you guys splitting!(touchwood)
Damn! I've never had a dog, cat or even a fish! *g* I do however spend my free time caring for my 9 yr old little autistic brother, which is rather more work than having a pair of skyke terriers about the house. You don't have to make a terrier do his homework when he doesn't want to, after all.
Thanks for the ear, Jen! *hugs back*
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As for the divorce thing? Sometime we'll have to sit down and talk about my past, I don't dwell on it much, but it has been a deciding factor of a lot of things in my life :)
*more hugs*