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ladymirthBackground: Dickhead in question had once been a rival for Girl's (let us call her P) affections at first, but when she chose another, Dickhead had gracefully bowed out and become a close friend of hers instead. For two years. P's boyfriend (who regards Dickhead with grave suspicion) went abroad in the interim, and the two carried on an (at times tumultous) long-distance relationship. The batshttery starts when P's boyfriend gets ravingly jealous and P is forced to keep her distance from Dickhead for her relationship's sake. Dickhead at first decides to be noble and bow out of the picture himself.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we demonstrate How Not To Score The Girl of Your Dreams In Five Easy Steps.
Step 1) Chocolates are uncool. Send her home porn instead.
P: *mobile beeps* WTF, it's 2 o'clock in the morning...OMG!
Dickhead: *has sent MMS of himself half-naked in the bathroom*
Step 2) Use her as your confessional priest.
Dickhead: "P, I love you. Therefore I cannot lie to you and pretend to be something I'm not, the way I do with the rest of the world. I need you to know the true me. I need you to see me for the monster I am and accept me for who I am. I must confess all to you!"
P: ...
Dickhead: (proceeds to narrate in great detail twenty years worth of lying, cheating and debauchery; including conning his parents, screwing around on his girlfriends, backstabbing his friends, possibly selling his soul to the devil, etc. etc.)
P:...
Dickhead: " And you know that hot older woman I told you I was screwing? The one whose picture I showed you and who you thought was a total slut for getting off on jail bait? Well, that was a lie too. It was all only a fantasy."
P: *runs away screaming*
Step 3) Declare not only your undying love for her, but also HER undying love for YOU.
Dickhead: "P, I love you. I can't live without you. I've tried so hard to pretend that I didn't, I've lied to myself for so long, but I can't anymore! I need you in my life!"
P: "D, go away! I can't handle this right now. I just gave my dog away today, for Christ's sake!"
Dickhead: "No, I won't go away! I've waited too long to tell you this, I've allowed you to brush me off too many times! I love you! And you know what? You love me too! You know we're meant to be together! You know you'll never be happy with your boyfriend! You're just settling for him, you don't love him the way you love me!"
P: "What. The. Fuck? Of course, I'm happy with my boyfriend, D!"
Dickhead: "No, you AREN'T! In fact, you'll never be happy with anybody but ME! And you know it! Why are you lying to yourself?! I'm the only guy who's ever understood you! Who's always been there for you! If you keep lying to yourself about your feelings for me like this, you DESERVE to be unhappy!"
P: "I think I saw a dumb chick flick like this once."
Step 4) Let her know what a stud she just passed up.
Dickhead: "You know what, P? I just took a good long look at myself in the mirror. And you know what? I'm HOT. I'm SEXY! I'm a catch! And if you can't see that, well it's not my loss. I don't need you! I can get on with my life just FINE without you. Don't think I can't. I just hope that one day you don't realize what a mistake you've just made."
P: "This is just a wild guess, but somehow I don't think that will be a problem."
Step 5) Tell her exactly what a shitty friend she's been to you, and what an unappreicated bastion of patience and tolerance you've been.
Dickhead: "All these years I've put up with your shit. I've helped you when you were sick, comforted you every time you had a fight with your boyfriend, been there every time someone hurt you or backstabbed you, and what have I got out of it? Nothing! Nothing but brush-offs and neglect! And I'm sick of it! You know what? I'm better off without you as a friend! I'm better off without you, period! I'm far too good for you! When you're miserable with your asshole boyfriend, don't come running to me! Have a nice life!"
*click*
Congratulations! You have now ensured a restraining order against yourself coming within a ten mile radius of the woman you love! It's that easy!
The End.
Swear to God, I couldn't make this stuff up.
*Names have been changed to protect those in need of therapy.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we demonstrate How Not To Score The Girl of Your Dreams In Five Easy Steps.
Step 1) Chocolates are uncool. Send her home porn instead.
P: *mobile beeps* WTF, it's 2 o'clock in the morning...OMG!
Dickhead: *has sent MMS of himself half-naked in the bathroom*
Step 2) Use her as your confessional priest.
Dickhead: "P, I love you. Therefore I cannot lie to you and pretend to be something I'm not, the way I do with the rest of the world. I need you to know the true me. I need you to see me for the monster I am and accept me for who I am. I must confess all to you!"
P: ...
Dickhead: (proceeds to narrate in great detail twenty years worth of lying, cheating and debauchery; including conning his parents, screwing around on his girlfriends, backstabbing his friends, possibly selling his soul to the devil, etc. etc.)
P:...
Dickhead: " And you know that hot older woman I told you I was screwing? The one whose picture I showed you and who you thought was a total slut for getting off on jail bait? Well, that was a lie too. It was all only a fantasy."
P: *runs away screaming*
Step 3) Declare not only your undying love for her, but also HER undying love for YOU.
Dickhead: "P, I love you. I can't live without you. I've tried so hard to pretend that I didn't, I've lied to myself for so long, but I can't anymore! I need you in my life!"
P: "D, go away! I can't handle this right now. I just gave my dog away today, for Christ's sake!"
Dickhead: "No, I won't go away! I've waited too long to tell you this, I've allowed you to brush me off too many times! I love you! And you know what? You love me too! You know we're meant to be together! You know you'll never be happy with your boyfriend! You're just settling for him, you don't love him the way you love me!"
P: "What. The. Fuck? Of course, I'm happy with my boyfriend, D!"
Dickhead: "No, you AREN'T! In fact, you'll never be happy with anybody but ME! And you know it! Why are you lying to yourself?! I'm the only guy who's ever understood you! Who's always been there for you! If you keep lying to yourself about your feelings for me like this, you DESERVE to be unhappy!"
P: "I think I saw a dumb chick flick like this once."
Step 4) Let her know what a stud she just passed up.
Dickhead: "You know what, P? I just took a good long look at myself in the mirror. And you know what? I'm HOT. I'm SEXY! I'm a catch! And if you can't see that, well it's not my loss. I don't need you! I can get on with my life just FINE without you. Don't think I can't. I just hope that one day you don't realize what a mistake you've just made."
P: "This is just a wild guess, but somehow I don't think that will be a problem."
Step 5) Tell her exactly what a shitty friend she's been to you, and what an unappreicated bastion of patience and tolerance you've been.
Dickhead: "All these years I've put up with your shit. I've helped you when you were sick, comforted you every time you had a fight with your boyfriend, been there every time someone hurt you or backstabbed you, and what have I got out of it? Nothing! Nothing but brush-offs and neglect! And I'm sick of it! You know what? I'm better off without you as a friend! I'm better off without you, period! I'm far too good for you! When you're miserable with your asshole boyfriend, don't come running to me! Have a nice life!"
*click*
Congratulations! You have now ensured a restraining order against yourself coming within a ten mile radius of the woman you love! It's that easy!
The End.
Swear to God, I couldn't make this stuff up.
*Names have been changed to protect those in need of therapy.
