How NOT to score the Girl of Your Dreams In Five Easy Steps.

[ladymirth]

Background: Dickhead in question had once been a rival for Girl's (let us call her P) affections at first, but  when she chose another, Dickhead had gracefully bowed out and become a close friend of hers instead. For two years. P's boyfriend (who regards Dickhead with grave suspicion) went abroad in the interim, and the two carried on an (at times tumultous) long-distance relationship. The batshttery starts when P's boyfriend gets ravingly jealous and P is forced to keep her distance from Dickhead for her relationship's sake. Dickhead at first decides to be noble and bow out of the picture himself.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we demonstrate How Not To Score The Girl of Your Dreams In Five Easy Steps.

Step 1) Chocolates are uncool. Send her home porn instead.
P: *mobile beeps* WTF, it's 2 o'clock in the morning...OMG!
Dickhead: *has sent MMS of himself half-naked in the bathroom* 

Step 2) Use her as your confessional priest.
Dickhead: "P, I love you. Therefore I cannot lie to you and pretend to be something I'm not, the way I do with the rest of the world. I need you to know the true me. I need you to see me for the monster I am and accept me for who I am. I must confess all to you!"  
P: ...
Dickhead: (proceeds to narrate in great detail twenty years worth of lying, cheating and debauchery; including conning his parents, screwing around on his girlfriends, backstabbing his friends, possibly selling his soul to the devil, etc. etc.) 
P:...
Dickhead: " And you know that hot older woman I told you I was screwing? The one whose picture I showed you and who you thought was a total slut for getting off on jail bait? Well, that was a lie too. It was all only a fantasy."
P: *runs away screaming* 

Step 3) Declare not only your undying love for her, but also HER undying love for YOU.  
Dickhead: "P, I love you. I can't live without you. I've tried so hard to pretend that I didn't, I've lied to myself for so long, but I can't anymore! I need you in my life!"
P: "D, go away! I can't handle this right now. I just gave my dog away today, for Christ's sake!"
Dickhead: "No, I won't go away! I've waited too long to tell you this, I've allowed you to brush me off too many times! I love you! And you know what? You love me too! You know we're meant to be together! You know you'll never be happy with your boyfriend! You're just settling for him, you don't love him the way you love me!"
P: "What. The. Fuck? Of course, I'm happy with my boyfriend, D!"
Dickhead: "No, you AREN'T! In fact, you'll never be happy with anybody but ME! And you know it! Why are you lying to yourself?! I'm the only guy who's ever understood you! Who's always been there for you! If you keep lying to yourself about your feelings for me like this, you DESERVE to be unhappy!" 
P: "I think I saw a dumb chick flick like this once." 

Step 4) Let her know what a stud she just passed up. 
Dickhead: "You know what, P? I just took a good long look at myself in the mirror. And you know what? I'm HOT. I'm SEXY! I'm a catch! And if you can't see that, well it's not my loss. I don't need you! I can get on with my life just FINE without you. Don't think I can't. I just hope that one day you don't realize what a mistake you've just made." 
P: "This is just a wild guess, but somehow I don't think that will be a problem."

Step 5) Tell her exactly what a shitty friend she's been to you, and what an unappreicated bastion of patience and tolerance you've been. 
Dickhead: "All these years I've put up with your shit. I've helped you when you were sick, comforted you every time you had a fight with your boyfriend, been there every time someone hurt you or backstabbed you, and what have I got out of it? Nothing! Nothing but brush-offs and neglect! And I'm sick of it! You know what? I'm better off without you as a friend! I'm better off without you, period! I'm far too good for you! When you're miserable with your asshole boyfriend, don't come running to me! Have a nice life!" 

*click* 

Congratulations! You have now ensured  a restraining order against yourself coming within a ten mile radius of  the woman you love! It's that easy! 

The End.

Swear to God, I couldn't make this stuff up. 

*Names have been changed to protect those in need of therapy.

Comments

[cyad.livejournal.com]

the dog giveaway was a huge clue but, my lips are sealed. Which is also I know you wouldn't (nor couldn't) have made those up.

Safe bet the one needing therapy here's not P. ;p

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

After she discovered that the guy she thought was close friend is a complete pyscho? I'd be surprised if she didn't need therapy!

Ha, I knew you'd guess who it was! This sort of thing happens to her all the time. *shakes head*

[cyad.livejournal.com]

Ha, I knew you'd guess who it was! This sort of thing happens to her all the time. *shakes head*

really? aww... but her dog was soo cute and cuddly and intelligent and... she reminds me of Abby...we're so alike.

I hope she won't need it but, if it helps and make her feel better. Did psycho got jailed?

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

I hope she won't need it but, if it helps and make her feel better. Did psycho got jailed?

I think she sees the funny side of it now. Nah, he didn't do anything illegal. Although he probably needs extensive treatment.

[cyad.livejournal.com]

rotfl. Send him to Tunisia: his reputation would be forever ruined... *g*

Yeah, am being evil. but it's only 'cause taking off soon. ;p

[viciousberries.livejournal.com]

Am I allowed to die laughing? Because this might just be the most hilarious thing I've heard all day.

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

I was in hospital when she told me about it all. I think the nurses heard me howling all the way down the hall. I was half afraid they'd move me to the psychiatric wing after that. XD

[viciousberries.livejournal.com]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Hahahahahahahahaha. Hahahaha

...

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING. HEE.

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

I know the feeling. XD

[kemidra.livejournal.com]

My life suddenly seems way too boring.

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

Everyone's life seems boring compared to P's. She was just born that way. *g*

[elluxion.livejournal.com]

LMFAOOOOO
well that was certainly an interesting story to wake up to.
what a fuckhead. srsly.

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

Glad I made your morning brighter. At least the fuckhead serves some purpose in life - being comic relief for people on the internet. XD

In other news, I have missed speaking with thou, although this is mostly my own fault for not commenting enough on your LJ. **HUGS**

[guipago.livejournal.com]

O.M.G.

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

No shit. XD

[guipago.livejournal.com]

hrm, something was missing from that post...

Must have gotten lost in the posting.

EDIT ABOVE POST BY ME: *laughing my bloody ass off*

Wow, people are amusingly twisted.

[lady-akatari.livejournal.com]

That's... astonishing. And I mean that in the most "what a MORON he is" way possible.

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

The Stupid does blow your mind. I agree with your icon. XD

[pgwfolc.livejournal.com]

Wow.

That's just...

Wow.

Although... distancing yourself from a good friend because your SO is jealous is also a bad sign. And waiting on the sidelines for that long can drive one nuts. Not that that excuses any of that. Step One alone is just... *shakes head in amazement* That poor frakked-up sod.

(Not to put a damper on the laughter, but... is he on suicide watch? Might pay to have someone keep an eye on him if he's that far gone...)

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

Although... distancing yourself from a good friend because your SO is jealous is also a bad sign.

I know. I disapproved of it myself, but as Boy pointed out, Dickhead was once P's bf's chief rival for her affections and now he's stuck for nine months of the year in another country while Dickhead gets to be with her every day. Insecurities were bound to crop up. Add to the fact that P's bf has never been able to stand Dickhead for reasons that had nothing to do with P. Boy tells me that the male species are a very insecure race who does't trust their fellow man one little bit when it comes to women, and therefore must be made allowances for.

(Not to put a damper on the laughter, but... is he on suicide watch? Might pay to have someone keep an eye on him if he's that far gone...)

Nah. He's messed-up all right, but he's more of a self-absorbed drama queen than anything. His LJ, before he deleted it, was hilarious. He had a history of falling for women who were already in relationships with guys who he thought didn't deserve them. He fancied himself a tortured "Knight in Shining Armor" (HIS OWN WORDS!) and at one point swore to skive off women entirely because he couldn't stand the heartache of seeing them throw themselves away. Boy and I used to roll around laughing about his entries, but we never said anything because he was P's friend.

Egotistical and delusional, yes, but not suicidal. Anyway, he's a player, so women he can't have are probably even more attractive to him.

[guipago.livejournal.com]

Obviously the boyfriend had a reason to feel uncomfortable about Dickhead. Especially if this is how Dickhead ended up reacting over the whole thing. Looks to me that Dickhead wasn't ever intending to remain just a friend, but was waiting for a time to cause drama and/or destroy her relationship.

I wouldn't come down on boyfriend too hard.

[coco-chanel17.livejournal.com]

*is unable to sit up properly for laughing too hard*

Can you send this Dickhead character over here, please? My life would reach this immense point of entertainment...seriously :P