(no subject)

[ladymirth]

First Love

I loved you first
When I was still too young
To know what love was
Other than a notion
As pretty and detached
As a song or a story
Or a star

I loved you first,
And didn’t know.
Because they told me
Love is patient;
When I was goading
Love is kind;
Our cruel words cutting
Love is never jealous;
I wanted your secrets
Whispered only to me
Love is never boastful
Nor proud and yet we
Were both young braggarts
Your condescending airs
Making me want
To beat you within
An inch of your life

Love isn’t selfish;
I wanted you to myself
To make you remain
As you were; against nature
At the expense of your dreams
Love isn’t quick-tempered;
My ire flashed
Tongue out-lashed
And left us both bleeding
Incessantly.
And yet, now I know
Contrary to all description
It was love
Misunderstood; misguided
Forgive me now
For there was no way then
I could have known
Because
I loved you first.

We were too young to know
That love was more
Than a song or a story
Or a star
So we lashed out in fear
And burned in tears
And let slip the years
In unspoken hurts
Until love became
A cancerous growth
That stunted self-worth
And leeched us dry
Of all we could be
Until the card-house toppled
The camel's back gave
The dams burst and flooded
In something like hate
And I finally ripped you
From my life
My heart and my home
And then I first knew 
I had loved you.

Long nights of tumult 
And gaping days later
My wound is almost
Cauterized and scabbed
If still throbbing
And sore
I love another now
Another who loves me
A love that is patient and kind;
Only jealous betimes,
Not at all boastful nor very proud
Never, ever selfish
Nor often angered.

All I have of you now
Are faded letters,
And a dull ache that varies
With weather and memories
That ambush by day;
Hide in dreams by night
Where we meet again
Forgiving and forgetful
Uncaring and joyful
Our record of wrongs
Erased and purged
The way we were
When we were too young
To know love could hurt
That songs had more beauty
Was stranger than story,
Far less safely distant
Than a star
The way we were when
I loved you first.