First stab at writing fiction, ever!

[ladymirth]

Being an obliging sort of gal, I've decided to answer my own Lois and Clark fanfiction challenge, and for the first time in my life, take a serious stab at writing fiction. 
<shivers>
So here's the first, very rough draft. Unbeta'd, unpolished and unveiled. 
I desperately need a beta reader, although I don't have any plans to post this on the LnC Boards until I'm done plotting out every detail. Any volunteers?
So, I'd be glad to have some feedback from you more experienced writers. I think all of the people in my flist have more experience writing fiction, than I do. Poetry? Yes. Essays? You betcha! Stories? <goes and hides behind a tree>
And now I'm attempting to write something like the Bourne Identity.
I am so screwed.
Anyway here it is:

Woman In The Mirror

prologue

 

The room was suffused in the darkness of night, broken only by the ghostly illumination of the moonlight, which filtered in slivers between the drawn blinds.

The red light on the phone flared to life suddenly, a lone red eye blinking in the blackness.

One, two, three discreet yet insistent rings. Then the voicemail picked up.

“Hi, you’ve reached the office of Carmen Martinez. I’m not available right now, so leave a message,”

A soft swear word. Then a slight hesitancy before the caller spoke in a light tone.

“Carmen, it’s me. I have to talk to you about those flowers you ordered for Ash’s party. Turns out she’s deathly allergic to carnations. Call me.”

A pause.

“Call me now”.

Click.

In the otherworldly stillness of the room, a person listening to the message may have fancied that that last syllable was full of something akin to…menace.

However, the only occupant of the room was unlikely to hear anything ever again as the her body lay cooling, a barely distinguishable silhouette, at the foot of the telephone stand.

 

*  *  *

 

“Aunty Ash, why isn’t Mommy here yet?,” six-year-old Lara Kent looked up at her with big dark eyes. Marta’s head also jerked in her direction.

Asha Westlake would very much have liked to know the answer to that question herself. Lois was supposed to have met her with the costumes for the girls’ nativity play while Ash picked up the Kent twins and her own daughter, Amber from the daycare center, an hour ago. And Lois was never late. Especially not to her little girls’ very first elementary school play.

She had left messages at the Planet, at the Kent house, with her assistants and on Lois’ cellphone, when it became apparent she wasn’t going to pick up. Clark had dropped off the costumes before heading out to track down his wife an hour ago, leaving Ash in charge of three exasperatingly fussy and uncomfortably astute prepubescent girls.

Asha kept telling the girls that their mother was stuck in traffic and was trying to get here as soon as possible. The lie sounded thin even to her. The kids were smart enough to know that Lois would have called and apologized to them, if that were the case. Lois simply wasn’t the type of mother to relay her excuses through other adults.

“Aunty Ash, is she in trouble?,” piped up Marta. She was dressed in her angel costume, unlike Lara who had insisted on being a donkey. Usually she was the timider of the two, content to let her more outgoing sister ask the tough questions. “Is that why Daddy’s not here either?”

“Why would you think she’s in trouble, sweetie?” Ash was genuinely curious. Lois hadn’t been the reckless reporter, constantly tumbling in and out of the clutches of high-flying criminals for many long years now.

“Aunty Lois says that whenever she gets in trouble with bad men, Uncle Clark has to come and save them before she can hurt them too bad,” said Amber, as seriously as her halo of tinfoil would allow her to.

Despite her rising unease, Ash had to suppress the urge to burst out laughing. Lois was really an arrogant twat sometimes. Not that she could tell Lois’ daughters and goddaughter that.

“Umm, I’m sure that’s it, chickabids,” she said with a straight face, “now it’s almost time for the curtain. Lara honey, no.. don’t start braying at the angels until you get on stage…no you can’t kick Tommy Jenkins even if you are supposed to be a donkey, you’ll have to get in character some other way…Marta don’t fidget, you’re a beautiful angel…stand proudly…Amby, stop pulling on your wing!... It’s going to break off again..,”

“But it keeps sagging down and hitting me on the shin!,” cried the little culprit.

“Aunty Ash, the play can’t start without Mommy and Daddy here! They’ll miss it!,” Lara cried in distress.

“No, they won’t honey,” said Ash soothingly. “C’mere,” discreetly parting the curtains, she pointed out her husband sitting near the front row to the little girl. “See Uncle Gary? He’s bought his camcorder, and he’s taping the whole thing. Even if your Mommy and Daddy get a bit late, we’ll make sure they won’t miss a thing!,”

Gary waved at Lara from his seat. Lara waved back half-heartedly.

“Okay…I guess,” she said. Most youngsters wouldn’t have compromised so readily, but Lara and her siblings had grown up knowing that the price of having a “special” Daddy was that he would sometimes have to run out on important occasions, no matter how much he wanted to be there. They knew he’d always try his best not to miss them though, and how sorry he was when he did. And he always made it up to them. Somehow.

It was, however, a new experience for them to have both their parents absent.

A throat was cleared raspingly behind them. The children’s drama teacher, Mrs. Pince, whom Ash had privately named, “the Gorgon” was looking down at them in disapproval. A heavy-set woman in her fifties, with the face of an aged bull dog in spectacles, Mrs. Pince held the student body of the Truesdale Elementary school in an iron fist of terror. Even feisty Lara quailed under her glare. For that matter, so did Ash. Almost.

“Mrs. Westlake, if you would be so kind as to keep from peeping through the stage curtains?” she said, in sardonic, clipped tones that made it clear to Ash that in the opinion of the said Pince, Mrs. Westlake was not much more than an overgrown juvenile delinquent herself. “We are having hard enough a time preventing the children from doing so.”

Before Ash could formulate a reply, Mrs. Pince had cupped her hands around her mouth and started to bellow.

“ATTENTION EVERYONE!,” she bellowed. Ash winced and backed away. “FIVE MINUTES TO CURTAIN! I WANT ALL EVERYONE OFF THE STAGE! PARENTS, PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEATS IN THE AUDIENCE!”

A babble of high-pitched voices erupted in excitement. Ash extricated herself quickly, with a liberal round of last minute good wishes and air kissing, as the children were herded backstage by the teachers. She had almost made it off the stage when…

“Aunty Ash,” said a small voice. Ash was surprised to see Marta had followed her.

“Marta, honey, you gotta run. They’ll be calling you…,”

“Aunty Ash, I think Mommy’s in trouble,” Marta broke through insistently.

“Nonsense baby, what trouble could she have got into? I’m sure she’s…,”

“MARTA KENT! GET INSIDE THIS INSTANT!,” Mrs. Pince’s stentorian shout made them both flinch.

“But Aunty Ash…,”

“Honey, you gotta go!,”

“But the man…,”

“MARTA KENT!,” Mrs. Pince started to advance upon them.

“I’ll see you, hon. Good luck, baby,”

“But a man called this morning…,”

“What man?,”

“MRS. WESTLAKE!,”

“And she got all white and upset…,”

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Westlake she’s got to come now,” Mrs. Pince enclosed Marta’s small wrist in a grip of iron and began dragging her away.

Marta made one last effort and cried back to her desperately.

“He called her about the flowers!,”

 

Ash froze.

 

The curtain bell rang out.  

 

* * *

The black *** jeep pulled into the deserted car park of Exeter Towers.  There was only one other car in the immediate vicinity, a luxurious silver sports car. It was not parked on a parking space, but had halted right in the middle of the floor. It projected an aura of arrogant patience. The greenish fluorescent light which shone at the far end of the car park cast an oily sheen over the two sleek vehicles.

The jeep circled the car once. They looked like two well-muscled mechanical predators, an almost palpable tension emanating from them.

The jeep stopped.

The door of the car opened and a man in a black trench coat got out. He leaned against his car and crossed his arms, adopting a pose of casual arrogance. His dark glasses obscured his eyes but a spectator might assume that had they been visible, the expression in them would have been one of boredom.

The jeep stopped. A woman alighted. She wore a stylish white coat and long dark hair framed her face. She looked rather like she’d stepped out of a fashion magazine.

She had made no attempt to conceal her eyes, but their dark depths was so devoid of expression that a spectator would have been able to draw no assumptions of her mental state at all.

“And in a full Men In Black ensemble, no less,” commented the woman, as naturally as though the remark was part of a conversation between them, that had been muted to the world at large, until that precise moment. “I hope you haven’t dragged me here to tell me more fairytales. I’m nearly missing my daughters’ school nativity play as it is.”

“You came alone,” said the man, as though she hadn’t spoken. “I didn’t expect that. I thought you’d outgrown your propensity for foolish stunts, Lois.”

“Would I have been safer from your thugs if I had come with a cavalry?” returned Lois, a touch of sarcasm in her voice. “What makes you so sure I haven’t, by the way?”

“I’m not, which is one of the reasons why you aren’t dead yet,” returned the man.

“Like I said, more fairy tales,” Lois scoffed. “If you’d wanted me dead, Archer, I’d have been fodder for the earthworms for the past week. Not a situation that’s arisen for the past ten years. Since I’m not dead, I’d have to surmise that you don’t want me dead. Which means you are in fact, on my side.

And now time’s running out, and if you’re going to play at all, you’ll play on my turf, on my terms. So drop the Al Capone act, and tell me what I want to know. Who knows about Madame?,”

“Y’know, I can’t believe you didn’t even tell that tagalong husband of yours,” continued Archer, again ignoring her. A faint smirk crossed his face. “He’s looking for you, you know. They all are.”

Lois looked at him for a moment. Then she wordlessly spun on her heel and walked back toward her jeep.

“The information you want is encrypted on this disc,” Archer’s voice stopped her. She turned back to face him.

He held up a small black disc between his fingers.

“How do I know it’s not a dud?” she asked suspiciously, taking it.

“You’ll have to trust me,”

“Not as far as I can throw you,” Lois scoffed.

“I thought you said I was on your side? Like you said, I didn’t kill you did I?”

“For now. I know you’ll try when the time is right,” Lois didn’t betray a trace of fear as she acknowledged the fact that she was alone in the presence of someone who wanted her dead.

“And the time isn’t right now?”

In answer, Lois simply walked back to her jeep and got in.

Archer watched as the jeep swerved out of the parking lot. He looked over the railing onto the street below. It was a beautiful night, with a tang of frost in the air. The city lights sparkled in the distance, mirrored upon the calm bay like a tapestry of scattered stars. He watched the jeep speeding along the highway over Hobb’s bay.

Suddenly, a deafening explosion sounded as the jeep disintegrated into a furious ball of flame. Flaming wreckage was thrown high into the air, coloring the black, still water of Hobb’s bay in fiery orange before they fell in to its depths. Screeching tires and the sickening crunch of metal on metal were heard as other drivers frantically swerved to avoid being hit by the flying debris. Screams pierced through the air.

“You’re wrong, Lois,” whispered Archer, as he calmly surveyed the carnage below. “The time is now.”

The black figure watching over the railing of the third floor of the Exeter parking lot disappeared.

He didn’t see the small figure in the bloodstained white coat lying unconscious and undiscovered, near the sidewalk of the highway, several feet away from the explosion.  

 

* * *

  
Be kind! Be honest!

 

Comments

[mrsmosley.livejournal.com]

I read somewhere that the best way to start a story is by immediately making the reader ask questions, and you certainly did that here, Hasini. Is Carmen the person dead on the floor? For that matter, who is Carmen? What's with the code about the flowers? (assuming it is a code) Was Lois the person who called? Who is Ash, just a friendly neighborhood mom or something more? How the heck did Lois survive that explosion?

I love the way the secondary opener to the story is at the school play, so normal, so innocent. It's a great contrast to the next scene. By the way, is all of this still prologue or just the first part about Carmen?

You've got some really good lines. My favorite one is: as naturally as though the remark was part of a conversation between them, that had been muted to the world at large, until that precise moment.

My gut reaction is that this story will require a lot of planning, otherwise you could wind up with loose ends or paint yourself into a corner. I would offer to beta for you, but I can't do what you need for this kind of fic. You need a beta who has strong drama/angst experience, someone like Sue, Wendy or Yvonne. This one is going to require the big guns. :) But if you ever need general comments, I am happy to provide my .02.

You said be kind and be honest - a reader can't always do both! Luckily, though, in this case, I can. What you've got so far is intriguing. You immediately pulled me into the mystery and I'm left wanting more. I truly believe you've got a great story brewing here, Hasini. Please continue it!

[katshakespeare.livejournal.com]

Well. A very intriguing start, honestly. I'm confused because nothing's been explained, not really, but you don't have to do that right at the start, you know? You've set up a very interesting premise here, a premise that begs a LOT of questions to be asked. BUT you've also introduced a LOT of characters that I'm not familiar with. My suggestion would be to lessen the characters, thin them out a bit so we're not being bombarded by them.

That being said, your dialogue and description is very nicely done. Right from the start your first line drew me in very well.

Oh, and I wanted to point you to cloisfic, a community I just made. Spread the word around ;)

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

Well, there’s only a fine line between intriguing and confusing, but I’m glad you didn’t mind too much.
I get what you say about the unfamiliar characters. Even I thought so, but I didn’t have a clue how to get around that.
I’m glad you liked the beginning. Although my sister is wont to say: “you have great opening and finishing lines, but it’s the stuff in between that’s the problem!”. =D
Thanks for the positive review! I’m glad you think it’s worth reading, ‘cause for me, it just seems to get worse after every re-reading. I think it’s just first-time jitters.
Put out word? Will do! Is it Smallville-based or just generally all things Superman sans Lana Lang and Lori Lemarris?

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

I was afraid that it was too many questions. It’s one thing to start off like that when it’s an original fic, but in a fanfic, readers expect some sense of familiarity. This whole thing is the prologue. Well, it is at present. A lot more re-writes to come!
I know for a fact that this has too many OCs for an opening chapter. The only canon character that puts in an appearance is Lois. It’s like Lois is acting in a spin off show. Haven’t figured out how to get around that, though.
I’m glad you liked the contrast between the two scenes. That was what I was going for.
I know I should call in the big guns, but I needed to know I had a story worth their while. Ideally, I’d have loved to have Lynn beta read for me, but she wrote back saying she was too busy. Some of the upcoming scenes were inspired by her fic “Rage”. I totally love that story!
I know I have a lot of planning to do. Like I said, I’m not going to post anything on the boards til I have a hole-proof plot formulated. This was just to check out whether my writing style delivered the kind of ambience and intrigue I’d hoped to achieve.
Thank you being so encouraging, Lisa! =)

[katshakespeare.livejournal.com]

You're welcome -- and I understand the first-time jitters. I think that every time I try out a fic in a new fandom.

And it's ANY incarnation of Lois and Clark. I want it to get active though. So far only I have posted anything and I've only posted one thing!

[ksarasara.livejournal.com]

Well, I've already told you on the boards that I'm very excited about this idea! And I'm thrilled that you've decided to write it yourself! :D

I don't have time for really detailed comments, and I'm sorry for that. :/

I will say a few things, though:

This really starts off with a bang (pun not really intended *g*), which is a good thing. Mystery and suspense. In regards to your "problem" of so many OCs in the beginning, I don't think it's really a problem. Someone above mentioned maybe cutting down on the number, and that might be a good thing to look at. Also, I might put the Lois at the warehouse (or wherever it was...) right after the phone call and have the play after the explosion. I think it'd give the timeline of the story a slightly better flow, and it might key up the drama a tad.

I noticed a few punctuation errors, but the grammar is teriffic, imo. One thing that I'd suggest changing is the formatting. Most people are used to reading with two hard returns between paragraphs; it's a lot easier to read that way. (But you know this from the boards, so I suspect LJ formatting and foulplay. *g*)

I wish, I wish, I wish I had the time to BR for you! Things are so hectic this semester, and I'm behind already on the one story I am BRing. Now, I will say... Come summer time, I've got loads more time... so if you're still slowly plodding along and need help, do ask me then!

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

I might put the Lois at the warehouse (or wherever it was...) right after the phone call and have the play after the explosion. I think it'd give the timeline of the story a slightly better flow, and it might key up the drama a tad.
But then, Lisa said she liked seeing the contrast between the scenes. That was what I was going for.

I noticed a few punctuation errors, but the grammar is teriffic, imo.
Thank you, and yes, I never know what to do with commas and inverted commas!

Most people are used to reading with two hard returns between paragraphs; it's a lot easier to read that way. (But you know this from the boards, so I suspect LJ formatting and foulplay. *g*)
You are soo right! I love spacing things out as much as possible, so I did do this in the actual Word Document, but once I posted it on LJ, it seemed to decide to arrange it differently. I didn't have time to redo it.

Thanks so much for the offer! I think that chances are good that I'll still be plodding away at this come summer, so I'll definitely look you up then! Thanks for leaving a great review. If you guys didn't keep reassuring me that I have something here, I'd never know it myself. It looks worse to me every time I read it.

Forst time author jitters. Bleh! =D

[queenofhearts17.livejournal.com]

I can't guarantee that a lot of what I say will make sense because I'm currently battling the sore throat from hell and the headache that only banging your head repeatedly on the desk (and therefore consequently killing off numerous braincells) will cure. So...on we go!!

It is really good - you've set the scene fantastically, I felt shivers going down my spine at the end of the first part! I agree with what someone up there said - you immediately get the reader asking a lot of questions, and it's good because it keeps the reader guessing as to what's going on, especially when you skip to the more innocent scene of the nativity play prep.

My only complaints would be regarding the formatting which I think you said had something to do with LJ, and the fact that to a reader who's not very familiar with LnC the amount of characters you introduce is quite a bit to take in. It's slightly difficult to follow who they are, particularly the kids, so I'd suggest maybe toning that down a bit?

Just a bit of grammar at this part:

“Like I said, more fairy tales,” Lois scoffed. “If you’d wanted me dead, Archer, I’d have been fodder for the earthworms for the past week. Not a situation that’s arisen for the past ten years. Since I’m not dead, I’d have to surmise that you don’t want me dead. Which means you are in fact, on my side.

And now time’s running out, and if you’re going to play at all, you’ll play on my turf, on my terms. So drop the Al Capone act, and tell me what I want to know. Who knows about Madame?,”

I think the comma right at the end must have been a typo...and at the beginning of the second paragraph you need opening speech marks. Weird English grammar. :P

Other than that, I can't find anything wrong with it and you've got me very intrigued...I'm waiting for the next instalment, Ms New Novelist!!!

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

For somebody with a sore throat and headache from hell, you sure leave yummy reviews! =D
Yeah, I get ya. Too many OCs.
This was just a test run. I am now actually tweaking and fine tuning and tying up the plot holes, only I feel like a kitty with a ball of yarn...everything keeps unravelling and getting tangled despite my best efforts. Oh, why couldn't the muses have handed me a nice, WAFFy, mindlessly mushy story, instead of one with an actual doggone plot?!
*Paws at ball of plot and hisses*
For the record, I'm friends with all punctuation save for commas and inverted commas. I have no idea where to stick 'em.
(((((hugs)))))
Feel better, Princess!

[queenofhearts17.livejournal.com]

Yay for yummy reviews! XD

When you're in the process of drafting and re-drafting, a lot of things change dramatically...I mean, the original draft of the first chapter for my novel was completely different to what it is now, and it's still not done! Ugh, I would gladly take the actual plot over a mushy storyline any day. I fear my novel's going to turn out like a Mills and Boon *shudders* Ever read those? They're horrific.

*hugs back* I would offer to be your beta reader if you haven't already found one, but since I'm not too familiar with the details of LnC, I'd only be able to help with grammar and punctuation.

Fingers crossed I'll be better by tomorrow! I have a 7 hour day ahead of me...ugh.

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

How come I've never heard of you speak of your novel before? Or maybe I haven't been paying attention. =(
I'm quite curious about it, now you've mentioned it, though. What's it about?
There's nothing wrong with Mills and Boon! Well, not all of them. It's just the kind of book you read when you're miserably sick in hospital and need to get your mind off the fact that your hand's itching but you can't scratch it cause the dadgum IV drip is strapped to it...
I used to be a severe asthmatic and lived at the hospital for a quarter of my life, so I guess I have a soft spot for them.
Of course, they're also the kind of books that you assiduously hide under your mattress and fervently deny ever reading, later. =)
Sending you lots of love and courage and Nyquil to get you through the day!

[queenofhearts17.livejournal.com]

I haven't really mentioned my novel a lot, to be honest. I'm quite happy with how it's going so far, but it's never not undergoing some redrafting so...it's called Fairytale and I think it's probably going to turn out as a modern day fairytale, but set in the 1920s and it concentrates a lot on class difference. An upper-class, rather snooty young man is directing a film but can't find the female lead. Enter the 19 year old lower-middle class girl who's run away to the big city to see the world. It's basically going to be about how their relationship evolves and how class differences and fame affect that...:D

Nothing wrong with Mills and Boon?! I read a couple of them during my lunch breaks at work in the summer and laughed my way through them. I suppose if there's nothing better to read when you need to get your mind off the itching, it's acceptable. :P Aw sweetpea, you were asthmatic? *hugs* I was when I was much younger, still get a bit of wheezing if I over-exert myself now though.

Graciously accepting the love and courage and Nyquil!! XD

[(Anonymous)]

ok hasi... nothing new to add here.

but i just wanted to remind you of the amount of characters that will be introduced. i saw that someone els had also commented on it. so this is just to nag you again cos i adore you so much. hehe

and also i think you need to get another chapter out soon. cos everythin is just a little bit in the dark at the moment. so for anyone to really figure it out you need to get more up there. fast! ( im not completely without ulterior motives here )=)

you can write, you can write and you can write!(very much exasperated at the moment) i have been telling you that sinse the age on 10.so please stop being such an ostrich and wake up to smell the parchment. ummm.. or rahter the burning electricty in this case. hehe

you have got a fab plot that everyone's dying to read and a complete story in your head.

i'm giving you license to bug me at 1 in the morning if you feel like having a melt down. so stop being such a wet chicken =)

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

Sadsi!
I'm NOT a wet chicken! Am not, am not, am not!
And you were the one who told me to read Digital fortress. You can't bug me about getting a new chapter out when you know I'm in the middle of taking your advice!
Why am I replying to this? You don't have an LJ.
If you really love me, you'll get an LJ.