Somebody FedEx Me Back My Biological Clock. It's In The Opposite Hemisphere.

[ladymirth]

It's 4.37 pm in the night and here I am, eating my second bowl of cereal with Milo and rambling about nothing in particular on my blog. I think my body is operating according to the biological clock that's ticking in my astral body that is presumably somewhere in Scandinavia. That or I'm really a nascent vampire with a predilection for Cornflakes rather than blood. Oh well.

It's funny, but I've been feeling completely normal for the past two, very peaceful, days. TOUCH WOOD. I've been afraid even to think it, because I feel the minute I do, something will happen to set me off again. Still, aside from the late-night binge eating and the possible vampirism and the excess of daytime sleeping and the feeling a bit apathetic about entertainment, I feel good. Jokey. I poke fun at my family and look forward to seeing my friends and well, I don't feel depressed or even stressed any more. Maybe it's gone away on its own.

My blood reports came back and apparently, my body chemistry is as normal as my sleeping patterns are batshit. So there's that theory out the window. I'm mystified. And a little scared. Because as sunshine-and-daisies as things are right now, I feel pretty sure that it won't take much to push me over the edge again. The other day, when I was feeling rather good, my father snarked about me and began lecturing me in front of some of my mother's friends. It wasn't that big a deal, really, but it pissed me off and just upset me to such a ridiculous degree that I had to cry later on, and felt so disorientated and fatigued later on that I just felt physically incapable of doing the damn dishes. I ended up scaring my Mum shitless by skipping lunch and sleeping straight through the afternoon. And that had been on a day I'd felt normal.

I guess on that level, feeling normal and happy sort of scares me even worse than feeling despondent because the emotional landslide just comes out of freakin' left-field when I'm not prepared for it. Is this normal for depression? Is it depression at all? Right now, I don't even much care. Since it's not a chemical imbalance, it's probably me having Issues. I'm pretty sick of having Issues when everybody else also has issues without going nutso over them.

I'm annoyed. Scratch that. I'm fucking pissed off.

2 minutes to 5. I can feel my eyelids getting scratchy. Finally.

Fuck this shit. I'm going to bed.

*climbs into coffin and shuts it with a creak*

Comments

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

Call me bad, but I find it kind of reassuring that even you have an inability to handle stress. Especially when I personally think that you kick ass muchly. Perhaps there is hope for me, yet.

I'm not sold on the chemical imbalance theory with regards to me. Maybe because I know I'm a bit of a hypochondriac. I can never tell when the problem is really there, or it's just a case of me making excuses for not wanting to get off my arse.

I'm kind of curious as to why you don't use LJ as a venting tool, though. Because it really helps, even when you feel guilty about alarming people on your flist. (It probably would have helped me to remember and use the bloody filters before I had a nervous breakdown on LJ, though. *g*)

On the sleep front...well, I'm trying. =/

[muses-circle.livejournal.com]

*laughs* I appreciate the fact that you think I kick much ass, but I have a lot of bad days. December has been the month of suckage for me. Seriously. It's been one trauma after another, and at this point it's a wonder my hair's not grey. :\

I'm kind of curious as to why you don't use LJ as a venting tool, though. Because it really helps, even when you feel guilty about alarming people on your flist.

Several reasons, actually. Part of my problem is that I tend to bottle up all my emotions, anger, hurt, despair, etc, until it gushes out like a fountain. It's never pretty, and I really need to learn to just deal with each crisis as it arises instead of keeping everything to myself. Plus on my LJ, I don't want to come across as one of those complaining person (like so many I work with) who does nothing but bitch over how horrible their lives are.... unless I learn to counter-balance the whining (because let's face it, we all need to whine sometimes) with positives in my life.

Hmm, that might work.

Plus? Being a teacher, I try to keep my personal stuff off the Internet, because I never know when I'm chatting with a student. They don't know where I am online (I avoid MySpace like the plague because of this), and I try to keep it that way. However, I do have filters, so maybe for 2008 I should really learn to vocalize my vents by using my filters more.

*hugs you* Hang in there. It's got to get better... right?

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

Plus on my LJ, I don't want to come across as one of those complaining person (like so many I work with) who does nothing but bitch over how horrible their lives are....

Um. Hmmm.

*blushes*

*giggles in embarrassment*

You'd tell me if you really minded, wouldn't you?

[muses-circle.livejournal.com]

Yes, I would, and I'm here to tell you that I don't mind! *HUGS* ♥♥ I was thinking about people I know IRL who do that 24/7, not of anyone online. People on my flist don't come across as being like the asshats I work with.

[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

Well, that's good to know. Especially since I was starting to get sick of my own emo. Thing is, once I have a good rant on LJ, I'm more prepared to see the positive side of things. So I'm actually a lot less emo in real life than my LJ would make me out to be.

You should really try it. I doubt your flist would mind, and filters are the best things to happen to the internet.

<<>>♥

[muses-circle.livejournal.com]

Hey, if ranting on LJ helps you, then DO IT. I know it's going to be different with everyone. And I do rant sometimes: I know I was seriously ranting about my boss a couple weeks ago, but I've since put them on private. ;) ♥♥