And he just kept comin' and comin'..
Jan. 9th, 2008 09:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladymirthGod, today was awful. I felt like I was being drowned, and just try drowning for twelve hours straight. It's a little slice of pure hell.
Most of the time I can't remember why I used to like life. I resent being alive, actually, when I so want to be dead. I highly doubt I'll ever kill myself, because of all the mess and pain and the moral hubbub - being dead and dying are very different things. It's just that life seems so fruitless and interminable and so...annoying.
I don't have a lick of interest in movies or TV anymore. Books bore me and processing every word requires a level of concentration that irks me. I never feel hungry anymore, mealtimes feel like a nuisance of tasteless food, inane conversation and dirty dishes. I forget my meals often, losing track of what my last meal was until I am surprised by my stomach growling and my fingers growing numb with want of food. Heck, I forget everything now, where I left my passport (my Dad found that for me, btw), returning my library books, getting new glasses, doctor's prescriptions. It's like being senile at twenty. The very sunlight of the day depresses me, and the rain, which I once loved, now feels like an unholy racket of messy dollops of mud.
Even my one refuge, music, which before I couldn't live without, does nothing for me. I tried listening to one of my beloved Loreena McKennit CDs earlier and it sounded nothing so much as a ghastly cacophony.
I believe I even resent my friends. Oh, I'm grateful to them, now more than ever, for being there for me at any time of day. But they they still have dreams and ambitions and loves and a sheer joy of being alive that seems like a mere memory to me. It makes me feel left out, like the rest of them are all part of a secret cult from whose secrets and membership I am eternally locked out.
All of today, I thought I had also forgotten how to love, because I couldn't feel an empathy toward anyone anymore, and didn't care that I didn't. There is a certain bliss in not having to feel. My sister had a major exam today, and I didn't care. My mother was sick and I wasn't moved to help her out at all. My little brother tried to get me to play with him and I chased him out in annoyance. I knew I was a poor excuse for a human being and didn't give a damn.
Until I was lying on my bed this evening, staring at eternity drawn on the cobwebs on my ceiling. A small body crawled in next to me in Spiderman-patterned pajamas and nestled a soft head on my shoulder. I turned my head to yell at him to get off my bed, when my nose caught a whiff of his baby colonge, the one we still use on him even now when he's ten years old and very long-legged in his blue pajamas. It was the same one I smelled on him when I first kissed him as a pink and white newborn in his hospital crib, with a soft tuft of inky hair and curled velvet fists. And I realized that there was yet at least one creature in the world that I would always live for, no matter what.
Maybe that will be enough.
Most of the time I can't remember why I used to like life. I resent being alive, actually, when I so want to be dead. I highly doubt I'll ever kill myself, because of all the mess and pain and the moral hubbub - being dead and dying are very different things. It's just that life seems so fruitless and interminable and so...annoying.
I don't have a lick of interest in movies or TV anymore. Books bore me and processing every word requires a level of concentration that irks me. I never feel hungry anymore, mealtimes feel like a nuisance of tasteless food, inane conversation and dirty dishes. I forget my meals often, losing track of what my last meal was until I am surprised by my stomach growling and my fingers growing numb with want of food. Heck, I forget everything now, where I left my passport (my Dad found that for me, btw), returning my library books, getting new glasses, doctor's prescriptions. It's like being senile at twenty. The very sunlight of the day depresses me, and the rain, which I once loved, now feels like an unholy racket of messy dollops of mud.
Even my one refuge, music, which before I couldn't live without, does nothing for me. I tried listening to one of my beloved Loreena McKennit CDs earlier and it sounded nothing so much as a ghastly cacophony.
I believe I even resent my friends. Oh, I'm grateful to them, now more than ever, for being there for me at any time of day. But they they still have dreams and ambitions and loves and a sheer joy of being alive that seems like a mere memory to me. It makes me feel left out, like the rest of them are all part of a secret cult from whose secrets and membership I am eternally locked out.
All of today, I thought I had also forgotten how to love, because I couldn't feel an empathy toward anyone anymore, and didn't care that I didn't. There is a certain bliss in not having to feel. My sister had a major exam today, and I didn't care. My mother was sick and I wasn't moved to help her out at all. My little brother tried to get me to play with him and I chased him out in annoyance. I knew I was a poor excuse for a human being and didn't give a damn.
Until I was lying on my bed this evening, staring at eternity drawn on the cobwebs on my ceiling. A small body crawled in next to me in Spiderman-patterned pajamas and nestled a soft head on my shoulder. I turned my head to yell at him to get off my bed, when my nose caught a whiff of his baby colonge, the one we still use on him even now when he's ten years old and very long-legged in his blue pajamas. It was the same one I smelled on him when I first kissed him as a pink and white newborn in his hospital crib, with a soft tuft of inky hair and curled velvet fists. And I realized that there was yet at least one creature in the world that I would always live for, no matter what.
Maybe that will be enough.
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(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-09 08:37 pm (UTC)I am so sorry you're going through this. Wish there was more that I could say, wisdom I could offer, but I reach for it and it isn't there.
Your post reminded me of a similar experience I had a couple of months ago. We can't all have our own private superheroes, but I think having little boys in superhero pajamas around might just be even better :).
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-09 09:49 pm (UTC)Thanks, Caroline. I'm just glad you guys stick around even when I'm being emo all over you, nevermind wisdom.
I can't see you post. It says I'm not authorized to view it. Maybe I'm not on that filter?
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-09 10:06 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-10 01:44 am (UTC)You're right. Superheroes have got nothing on little boys in superhero pajamas. =)
*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-10 03:43 pm (UTC)Love you!
xoxoxo