So Be It.

[ladymirth]

Ending a friendship is always hard, but ending contact between yourself and your best friend of the past five years is excruciating. Yet, it must be done for my own sanity and self-dignity. I've been through too much anger and hurt and grief for the past few weeks on account of her. And I hate myself for it. Grieving in this way, feeling furious means that I still love her inspite of all the things she's done to me, and she doesn't deserve another moment's thought from me, let alone love. There are things you should never subject a guest, friend or human being to and in a space of two days she managed to cross the line on all of them. 

I'm crying as I write this. I don't know for which umpteenth time for the last two weeks. But there's relief mixed in with the grief this time, because I know it'll be the last time I'll ever cry because of you. I'll cry myself sick tonight, but tomorrow I'll finally start healing.

 

Remember when I said that I've been incredibly lucky in friendships because I've never once been betrayed or burned in one? Well, the fates were apparently listening and I tempted them. You are officially the first person I’ve let into my heart and then had to tear out again for my own good.

 

This friendship, I think, has had all it can take. When I went on that damn trip, I was happy not because I was going to a fancy beach resort or I was getting away from my family, I was happy because I was getting to spend time with you. The one who for five years I thought was my best friend. What a fool I was.

 

I don't give a flying fuck what your parents are doing or your family troubles. That's none of my business, and I don't talk about your stuff to other people either. I don't know what the hell you flipped out about; I already knew that stuff your Mum told me because you had already told me everything yourself when you were fifteen years old. I never thought of anybody but you then, and I haven't changed.

 

I don't know what you expected. When a person invites another on their family trip, it is a given that she will see and hear things that go on within the family. That's one of the reasons I felt so touched when you invited me; I thought you trusted me. I didn't ask your Mum to tell me anything, nor do I blame her for doing so, although I wish she hadn't. You were being insufferable from the word "Go". I think we both relished the opportunity to talk about something you didn't want us to, just so you'd shut up bossing everyone around. Granted, we never thought you'd flip your shit like that, but you totally had it coming. It wasn't the bloody dry socket, it was just 100% pure controlling Nadeesha behavior. Even I could recognize that.

 

The bottom line is, NONE OF IT WAS MY FUCKING FAULT and you had no right whatsoever to treat me the way you did. From the first bloody day, you were treating me more like your lady-in-waiting than your friend, or even your own bloody guest. The snapping at me in the car, the waspish "Hasini, can I talk to my mother, please?" and ignoring me. Oh, I let all that slide without a second thought, like the pathetic puppy I was. I thought, poor baby, she's in pain, she's on steroids and painkillers, she's probably having depressive side effects from them, she's having parental issues, blah-di-blah blah.

 

I stubbornly refused to feel hurt at any of that. But you left me to find my own way to the beach in the dark that first night, even when I asked you to wait one fucking minute for me to come with you. I nearly slipped and fell on the rocks, and Rukmi Aunty was the only one who bothered to come and look for me. God, the moment she was gone the whole trip turned into a nightmare.

 

I was a fool and I was feeling so sad that you didn't seem to be able to enjoy yourself too. Since I wasn't being treated like a guest, I supposed maybe you saw me more like family. I thought it should me my job to try and make you feel better. Okay, so maybe my attempts were a bit misguided and in my own klutzy way I might have annoyed you. But all it would have taken was a simple, "Hasini, please I don't like you doing that," to make me back off.

 

Not only did you snarl at me repeatedly, you ignored me completely. You abandoned me and went for long brooding walks by yourself and left me to stare after you. I know you had dry socket and meds and whatnot, but in my experience, people make an effort to entertain their guests even when their not feeling quite up to it. I never expected you to "entertain me" but I didn't know how to cope with going on my first trip away from my family, in a strange place, with a girl my family trusted to be with me, and then be completely abandoned.

 

You never made any sort of effort on my behalf at all. You wouldn't even get up in the morning. I had told you from day one that I was supposed to be back in Colombo as early as possible by Monday. I reminded you of that promise, also mentioning how vital it was to see the cashier about my transcripts (remember how gung-ho about that stuff you were before we left Colombo?) but you just breezily told me that the usual run of things was that you'd leave after breakfast and I'd just have to deal with it.

 

I was so taken aback by being treated like that, like a third-class charity case whose needs shouldn't even be considered, that I couldn't quite believe my ears. I think that was the point that it dawned on even my blissfully oblivious soul that I was being treated like scum. It didn't help that you were snarling at me on the way back from the beach either. By then I was ready to cry for my mother.

 

You ruined the last night of course. Congratulations. I went to bed feeling confused and scared and firmly convinced that you were regretting ever inviting me. Then, without any reassurance or ceremony, you left me alone in the room and went off to sleep with your parents. What was I supposed to think? I'd never felt more shunned and abandoned in my life. I stayed up half the night, crying because I couldn't say sorry for ruining your trip and because I wanted my own Mum and there was nobody there for me.

Next morning I was angry, but I still never said anything because Poor Nadeesha Was On Meds and I was being ungrateful. I gave you a fucking wake-up call, brought your laundry in and folded them so you could pack more quickly and we could get going. You stayed in bed quite languidly, of course. What did you care that you had promised to have me back by 9 am on Monday? I asked you to come and climb the rock with me one last time, and you didn't even respond. I told you I was climbing the rock myself.

 

Now if it were me, I'd have said, "No, Hasini don't go alone. It's not safe, the rocks can get slippery. I'm feeling tired, but we'll go some other time. Why don't you take a walk with Ammi on the beach while we pack?"

 

But then, you are Nadeesha, Cat of another colour, so of course it wouldn't have occurred to you. I was halfway up the rock when I realized that it was slippery and dangerous for somebody who had never done this before. I could have slipped and broken my neck and nobody would have been there to even see me.

 

Still, I was ready and willing to overlook all this and go the hell home. I was angry with you, but you were famously On Meds, so all I said to you in a moment of chirpiness was, "SMILE. It won't kill you."

 

If ever I feel any doubt that I shouldn't have ended this friendship, I'll recall what you said to me then. "Why do you always have to be there? Why are you always trying to impose things on me? If I don't want to smile, I won't smile! Even my parents don't do this to me!"

 

Oh, wow. Why must I always be there, Nadeesha? Because you invited me on your stupid fucking trip. When you invite a person to come along with you, they are usually _always there_. If I had made myself any more scarce than I already had, I might as well have been part of the decor. I might as well, in fact, have stayed home.

 

Not only did you not apologise, even when I asked you _in fucking tears_ whether you even cared, you answered a very decisive "no". When have you ever cared if you ride rough-shod over other people in getting your own way, Nadeesha? I can't remember a single instance, so I shouldn't be surprised, really.

 

Now comes the crowning moment of glory. I was ready to put everything behind me and enjoy the drive, but you had to ruin that too, didn't you. I pretended to go to sleep immediately, just so I wouldn't wind up having another spat with you. I was awake for half an hour in the middle and your mother started fiddling with the radio and found a classic Sinhala song I loved. I asked her to please leave it on.

 

"Ammi," you said in that unbearably snotty, spoilt tone, "there shall be no Hindi or Sinhalese in this drive, please."

 

I was shocked. I was the one who asked for it, I was the one who was being snubbed to the back of beyond here. "Nadeesha, guest's priviledge," I said jokingly, trying to get you to realize what an insult you were doing me. You were unshakeable. Your mother turned off the radio.

 

I have never been so insulted, demeaned and humiliated in my life. I wouldn't do that to a dog I liked! What the hell do you think I am? Who the hell do you think you are?

 

I determinedly pretended to go to sleep after that, with my head on the arm-rest. And then, I feel you fucking pat my head! Like I was being a good dog! You have no idea how close you came to having your arm ripped off and shoved up your arse to keep that huge stick in there company.

 

Once I got home, I couldn't stop crying. My parents were very alarmed. Bits and pieces of the story came out. They feel quite betrayed now, especially Ammi. They liked you beyond all my friends and they trusted you to take me on my first overnight trip away from home at a time when I was quite unstable. And this is what you do with that? My mother is quite relieved I've decided to end my friendship with you.

 

In the end, Nadeesha, it isn't any of this that has ended this friendship. I was ready and willing to forgive you in a heartbeat, if you had just called me up and asked for it. Maybe you didn't know how badly you'd erred, but you’d have to be a dimwit of the first order not to have noticed that I didn't have the best time of it on the trip. You had to have at least noticed that you weren't the most congenial person to be around.

 

Any other friend I have, (and I do have others who love me very dearly, even if they don't know the correct way to pronounce "Mozart") would have called me up and said, "Look, Hasini, I'm sorry if I inadvertently gave you a hard time on the trip. I know it got a little awkward sometimes. I just wanted to say sorry if anything untoward happened. No hard feelings, right?"

 

And I'd have forgiven and forgotten about all of this in a flash.

 

But you've never made a single concession like that for anybody, have you? Your pride is more important to you than anybody else's self-dignity. You didn't care when I was in tears that last morning and I fucking spelled it out for you that I'd cried the previous night as well because of your behavior. All your bullshit about tact and politeness and courtesy is just for show. You don't care about hurting people, even the ones who love you. You care about me as long as you can make me your pet charity project; the kind that you can feel good about yourself for helping out. But when you are required to make an actual emotional concession, you pretend I don't exist.

 

So, yes, I need to thank you. Because sitting there alone on that slippery rock, I realized something vital. I realized that no matter how fucked up a person I was, no matter how much more academic and personal accomplishments you'll have, I could never become as fucked up a person as you. In my worst moments, I've never treated anybody in this manner, much less my best friend. I've never been treated like this by anybody either. I can't believe I thought you'd be better for me than my own family. Not even my own father humiliated me like this. 

 

Even a dog, if kicked hard enough, won't come back to you, Nadeesha. I'm not your mother and I won't stand to be treated like a doormat to mop up your condescension. Self-dignity comes before both friends and family, and I don’t need to be in the company of a person who doesn't even have the decency to apologize after treating me like cow dung stuck to her shoe.

 

We had five years of memorable friendship, but I can no longer stomach the person you've turned into, if I ever could. I'm too good for you. I always have been. I feel lucky that I realize it now. I tried for years to be your best friend, and now I realize that that's impossible. Your best friend is, and always will be your awful pride. I hope that once all your friends have got sick of you and you're all alone, pride will keep you warm at night.

 

There I go. I've exorcised all my anger. Now all there is left is a great deal of sadness for the friendship I've lost and pity for you. Because you'll never understand where you've gone wrong, Nadeesha.

 

Travel safe. Have fun and take care. Have a good life. It's been a good five years. You won't need to contact me again. Find another dog to kick. I'm done crying for you.

My parents are behind my decision 100%. I think my mother in particular is even angrier at her than I am. They liked her beyond all of my other friends and trusted her to take care of me on my first ever two-day trip away from them, and let me go to a place they didn't know at a time when I was not quite mentally stable. She betrayed that trust by treating me like this. 

She is one person who is not in the least welcome in my home or my life anymore.

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[ladymirth.livejournal.com]

*huggles you*

You have no idea how much I need you, now more than ever. *refuses to let go*