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ladymirthI am in tears. Screaming.
All because of this.
Although I feel sorry for all the people who haven't read Twilight, because this level of self-wanking lolariousness has never before been seen in the realms of Earth, I've always felt that Midnight Sun (Twilight told from Edward's POV, which was to have been Smeyer's next novel before she threw a fit about it being leaked to the Internet) was the one book I would have been better off not having read. Not just because the level of unintentional creepy hits record highs and Edward's cess-pool of self-hating angst makes Bella sound like fucking Anne Shirley, but because it is boring. Something I never thought SMeyer was capable of being, whatever else.
However, between Growing Up Cullen and Cleolinda's recap, it has managed to inspire the most LULZY of all lulz yet. I am in LOVE with Cleo, I tell you. I'll imbibe as much crack as SMeyer can stuff down my throat as long as she continues to write these recaps.
That said, though, it is absolutely not necessary to have read the books for you to enjoy the recap. It's just that the non-readers, no matter how jaded they have become to the world, invariably chuckle and think, "She's probably exaggerating. It couldn't possibly be as bad as that, right?" while the actual readers know that yes, it really is that bad. Worse, even.
I'm hoarding all the moments that had me falling out of my chair here, so I can adore them in my own plot of cyberspace:
1. This is the moment, back when I first read the sample chapter off the website, that I fell in love (somewhat temporarily) with Edward Cullen. Not at any point during the four Bella-perspective novels about his godlike angel marble cupcake beauty--no, it was the moment when he began to calculate how many necks per second he would have to snap to snack her whiny ass.
2. Anyway, the erotic tension of comparing onion root slides culminates in the electric hot-cold shock of their hands touching...
3. Unfortunately, Bella is not buying what he's selling. Well, I mean, there's a lot of things he could sell that she'd like to buy (unf!), but "I was totally standing next to you the whole time and that van was so made of tinfoil, yeah, that's it" is not one of them.
4. Then Edward mopes around the house some more, bitter because he's the only one alone, with nothing but his scrapbooking and his Tide with Bleach in the long watches of the night.
5."A word I'd never said before in the presence of a lady slid between my clenched teeth."
Given the "curse words" in the other four books, I'm going to assume the word is "dang."
6. Oh, Edward. Shine on, you prissy diamond.
7. Edward feels "an acute aching in [his] chest"--look, buddy, I'm pretty sure WB has already trademarked Harry's chest monster, so you're gonna have to find some other wording to express your naive centenarian lust.
8. I'm going to pass over the obligatory Those Wimmins Sure Are Cute When They're Mad criticism and simply note that Furious Kitten is going on tour next summer with Outrageous Flavor.
10. Meanwhile, Pot is jealous that Kettle has possessive thoughts and crude fantasies. (Okay, Edward's fantasies aren't crude. They just involve the overwhelming desire to slaughter Bella and suck down her exquisite blood. And to smash Mike against the classroom wall.)
11. So anyway, Bella's like, "I'm not going to the dance at all, I'm going to Seattle for the day because... I said so," and Edward's like, WHY? WHY IS SHE GOING THERE? WHAT IS IN SEATTLE? IS SHE LYING? IS SHE GIVING UP MIKE FOR JESSICA'S SAKE? DOES SHE WISH SHE COULD BE WITH MIKE INSTEAD? I MUST PENETRATE HER MIIIIIIIIIIND!!! THE MONSTER MUST KNOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!1!
God, this guy needs to get laid so bad, I can't even tell you.
12. Edward goes hunting to make sure he's sufficiently fed and less likely to suck the marrow from Bella's bones, and then he "realize[s] that [he's] going to go find the girl" like this is news to him and beyond his control, you know, because that free will thing is working out so well for him, so he climbs up to the upstairs window chez Swan and GASP! IT IS HERS, FAIR BELLA'S, WHAT SNORE FROM YONDER WINDOW BREAKS.
13. "I wanted to laugh at myself--or kick myself. All my plotting and planning was entirely moot if she didn't care for me, too, wasn't it? Her dream could have been about something completely random. I was such an arrogant fool."
Okay:
1) Point taken.
2) That said, I'm so sure she was moaning through a random dream about someone else named Edward. Edward Furlong, maybe. Edward R. Murrow? Edward Scissorhands? "Oh, Edward the Blue Engine, don't stop!"
14. So this is the reason that reading Twilight and Midnight Sun--selected chapters, anyway--side by side is kind of fun: in Bella's version, Edward is stoic and mysterious and frustratingly cryptic. In Edward's version, in the same scenes--at least in his own mind--Edward skips and flails and rages around like a bipolar muppet.A muppet in love. It's kind of like a sparkly teenage version of "Bad Blood." "All I had for breakfast this morning was half a mountain lion with cream cheese, and it wasn't even real cream cheese, it was LIGHT cream cheese! I DO IT ALL FOR YOU, BELLA!"
15. And then he's like, "Yay! I'm glad you'll go to Seattle with me! Except that you should really stay away from me instead," and then he skips off to class to drive Emmett bugfuck some more.
16. Y'all? I am not proud of this. But... I kind of love this chapter. Like, in both incarnations. STOP LOOKING AT ME, I CAN'T HELP IT! IT IMPRINTED ON ME AGAINST MY WILL!
17. And then I'm sure he starts doodling Mr. and Mrs. Bella Swan over and over again.
How do I love thee, Twilight? Let me count the ways...
All because of this.
Although I feel sorry for all the people who haven't read Twilight, because this level of self-wanking lolariousness has never before been seen in the realms of Earth, I've always felt that Midnight Sun (Twilight told from Edward's POV, which was to have been Smeyer's next novel before she threw a fit about it being leaked to the Internet) was the one book I would have been better off not having read. Not just because the level of unintentional creepy hits record highs and Edward's cess-pool of self-hating angst makes Bella sound like fucking Anne Shirley, but because it is boring. Something I never thought SMeyer was capable of being, whatever else.
However, between Growing Up Cullen and Cleolinda's recap, it has managed to inspire the most LULZY of all lulz yet. I am in LOVE with Cleo, I tell you. I'll imbibe as much crack as SMeyer can stuff down my throat as long as she continues to write these recaps.
That said, though, it is absolutely not necessary to have read the books for you to enjoy the recap. It's just that the non-readers, no matter how jaded they have become to the world, invariably chuckle and think, "She's probably exaggerating. It couldn't possibly be as bad as that, right?" while the actual readers know that yes, it really is that bad. Worse, even.
I'm hoarding all the moments that had me falling out of my chair here, so I can adore them in my own plot of cyberspace:
1. This is the moment, back when I first read the sample chapter off the website, that I fell in love (somewhat temporarily) with Edward Cullen. Not at any point during the four Bella-perspective novels about his godlike angel marble cupcake beauty--no, it was the moment when he began to calculate how many necks per second he would have to snap to snack her whiny ass.
2. Anyway, the erotic tension of comparing onion root slides culminates in the electric hot-cold shock of their hands touching...
3. Unfortunately, Bella is not buying what he's selling. Well, I mean, there's a lot of things he could sell that she'd like to buy (unf!), but "I was totally standing next to you the whole time and that van was so made of tinfoil, yeah, that's it" is not one of them.
4. Then Edward mopes around the house some more, bitter because he's the only one alone, with nothing but his scrapbooking and his Tide with Bleach in the long watches of the night.
5."A word I'd never said before in the presence of a lady slid between my clenched teeth."
Given the "curse words" in the other four books, I'm going to assume the word is "dang."
6. Oh, Edward. Shine on, you prissy diamond.
7. Edward feels "an acute aching in [his] chest"--look, buddy, I'm pretty sure WB has already trademarked Harry's chest monster, so you're gonna have to find some other wording to express your naive centenarian lust.
8. I'm going to pass over the obligatory Those Wimmins Sure Are Cute When They're Mad criticism and simply note that Furious Kitten is going on tour next summer with Outrageous Flavor.
10. Meanwhile, Pot is jealous that Kettle has possessive thoughts and crude fantasies. (Okay, Edward's fantasies aren't crude. They just involve the overwhelming desire to slaughter Bella and suck down her exquisite blood. And to smash Mike against the classroom wall.)
11. So anyway, Bella's like, "I'm not going to the dance at all, I'm going to Seattle for the day because... I said so," and Edward's like, WHY? WHY IS SHE GOING THERE? WHAT IS IN SEATTLE? IS SHE LYING? IS SHE GIVING UP MIKE FOR JESSICA'S SAKE? DOES SHE WISH SHE COULD BE WITH MIKE INSTEAD? I MUST PENETRATE HER MIIIIIIIIIIND!!! THE MONSTER MUST KNOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!1!
God, this guy needs to get laid so bad, I can't even tell you.
12. Edward goes hunting to make sure he's sufficiently fed and less likely to suck the marrow from Bella's bones, and then he "realize[s] that [he's] going to go find the girl" like this is news to him and beyond his control, you know, because that free will thing is working out so well for him, so he climbs up to the upstairs window chez Swan and GASP! IT IS HERS, FAIR BELLA'S, WHAT SNORE FROM YONDER WINDOW BREAKS.
13. "I wanted to laugh at myself--or kick myself. All my plotting and planning was entirely moot if she didn't care for me, too, wasn't it? Her dream could have been about something completely random. I was such an arrogant fool."
Okay:
1) Point taken.
2) That said, I'm so sure she was moaning through a random dream about someone else named Edward. Edward Furlong, maybe. Edward R. Murrow? Edward Scissorhands? "Oh, Edward the Blue Engine, don't stop!"
14. So this is the reason that reading Twilight and Midnight Sun--selected chapters, anyway--side by side is kind of fun: in Bella's version, Edward is stoic and mysterious and frustratingly cryptic. In Edward's version, in the same scenes--at least in his own mind--Edward skips and flails and rages around like a bipolar muppet.A muppet in love. It's kind of like a sparkly teenage version of "Bad Blood." "All I had for breakfast this morning was half a mountain lion with cream cheese, and it wasn't even real cream cheese, it was LIGHT cream cheese! I DO IT ALL FOR YOU, BELLA!"
15. And then he's like, "Yay! I'm glad you'll go to Seattle with me! Except that you should really stay away from me instead," and then he skips off to class to drive Emmett bugfuck some more.
16. Y'all? I am not proud of this. But... I kind of love this chapter. Like, in both incarnations. STOP LOOKING AT ME, I CAN'T HELP IT! IT IMPRINTED ON ME AGAINST MY WILL!
17. And then I'm sure he starts doodling Mr. and Mrs. Bella Swan over and over again.
How do I love thee, Twilight? Let me count the ways...
