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Sep. 20th, 2008 12:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladymirthWith a parody.
Title: Lazarus Rising Parody Recap.
Author: Me
Rating: R for language.
A/N: Parodies are apparently hard things to write. Hopefully I managed to be funny. Do not get pissed off, I only mock because I love.
THE ROAD SO FAR: *Sam n’ Dean fight the forces of female.*
The Most Awesome and Laughably Improbable Grave-Escape Sequence ever:
DEAN: *wakes up six feet under* heeeeelp! *switches on gas lighter*
FANGIRLS: He was buried with a lighter, whut?
DEAN: *smashes through the pine wood box*
EARTH: *does not fall on him and bury him alive*
DEAN: *improbably burrows his way up six feet of solid earth. Keeping his hands clean.*
DEAN’S HANDS: Hiya, fellas!
FANGIRLS: Okay, so this whole sequence just made no fucking sense, but – SQUEEE!!
WOODEN CROSS: Shadow, shadow, foreshadow.
REST OF THE WOOD: *is ded from nuke*
DEAN: Bzuh?
TITLE CARD: SUPERNATURAL!
FANGIRLS: WHERE IS MAH LOBSTER?!
Somewhere along a lonely Midwest road.
DEAN: *is in a Green Day song*
GAS STATION AND CLASSIC CAR: *is conveniently deserted*
DEAN: *breaks into gas station and grabs a newspaper* Whut? It’s the Season Premiere already? Hiya, fangirls! Let’s check me out, shall we? I’m too sexy for my shirt…Yep, still damn ripped. But only metaphorically, which should not be the case as I remember becoming puppy chow last season. Can someone clue me in on the plot point here?
FANGIRLS: *drools* Plot? Bzuh?
DEAN: Why do I have a Godzilla handprint disfiguring my bicep? What the hell kind of perv does that?
FANGIRLS: Even the demons can’t keep their hands off your manly mansome body, Dean. You should really strip down the rest of your clothes and see where else they’ve pawed you. It’s the only way!
DEAN: First order of business – secure the essentials. Water, beer, chocolate bars, cash, porn – check. Essentials secure.
*Sundry electric appliances go spastic*
DEAN: Great, now inanimate objects seem to have a life of their own. All this movie needs is a lady killer candelabra and a prissy pendulum clock.
*glass blows out*
DEAN: WTF?
In a phone booth.
DEAN: *dials number* Howdy Bobby! Long time dead, no see!
BOBBY: *click*
DEAN: *redials* Bobby, can’t your man-love recognize the child you never had?
BOBBY: Fuck you! I remember Long Distance Call from last season!
Bobby’s house.
DEAN: *shows up at Bobby’s in hotwired car*
BOBBY: *gives him warm Demon Hunter Welcome*
DEAN: Bobby stop! I am YOUR ALMOST SON! When you cut mewith a silver knife, I bleed! *bleeds sexily*
FANGIRLS: Squee!!
OTHER FANDOMS: You guys are really weird, you know that?
BOBBY: Dean, it’s really you!
MAN-LOVE: *ensues*
BOBBY: How’d you keep your complexion so tanned after four months buried in a coffin?
DEAN: I dunno, Bobby, I guess I’m naturally beautif- wha?! *sputters as Bobby gives him a holy water douche-bath* What the hell happened to a friendly holy-water-laced beer, Bobby?!
BOBBY: Sorry. Just checkin’.
NOTHING: *is funnier than Dean spitting out water with a deadpan expression*
BOBBY and DEAN: *establishes that something’s rotten in the state of Illinois– and it ain’t Dean*
DEAN: WHERE IS MAH SAMMEH? WHERE IS MAH BABY BROTHER?
BOBBY: Oh, he’s alive an kickin’. No worries.
DEAN: *deflates* Oh. So, he er, miss me? I mean, where is he?
BOBBY: Son, you’re a Winchester! What do Winchesters usually do when one of them sells his soul to the devil to save the other? He’s gone on the counter-soul-pawning, demon-hunting rampage just like you did in Season 2, Dean! It was Mystery Spot all over again.
DEAN: And you let him? Geez, a guy gets dead for four months and everything goes to hell with him! My dying wish was for you to baby-sit his freaky psychic ass 24/7, Bobby! And how come you didn’t salt and burn my exceptionally fine dead ass, anyway?
BOBBY: Sam wouldn’t let me. He said you’d need a body to come back to once he’d ordered your soul released from hell in his official capacity as the Anti-Christ.
DEAN: Sammy, you naughty boy!
BOBBY and DEAN: *track down Sam via cell phone trace and Winchester mind link *
Cheap motel # 564.
BOBBY and DEAN: *knocks on motel door*
SCANTILY CLAD WOMAN: I can haz pizza?
SAM: I can haz seizure? *Starts giving Dean another warm Demon Hunter Welcome*
BOBBY: *intervening* Been there, done that.
DEAN: What’s the matter with you, can’t you tell your own brother from a demonic mindfuck?
BROTHER-LOVIN’: *ensues and ensues and ensues*
FANGIRLS: THERE IS NOT ENOUGH SQUEE IN THE WORLD FOR THIS!!!
SCANTILY CLAD WOMAN: O_o. You guys are in gay love, right?
FANGIRLS: YESSS!!
DEAN and SAM: NO!! This is brother-lovin’! What the hell’s the matter with you, ppl?
KRIPKE: *sniggers like a 12-year-old*
SCW: Whatever you say. I’ll not be intrudin’ on your gay brotherlovin’ anymore. *coyly* Call me, Sam?
SAM: Sure, Catharine.
SCW: It’s Christine, bitch.
DEAN: How did you ever get laid without me?
SAM: *Establishes that no souls were harmed in the rising of this Lazarus. Not by him anyway.* I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep up the Winchester family tradition and sell my soul for you, Dean. I just came to Illinois to mess with Lilith’s face.
BOBBY: What, you were gonna try and Harry Potter your way to glory with your immunity to her Avada Kedavra and your trusty Demon Army knife?
SAM: *suspiciously quickly* I’m sorry I didn’t stay in touch, Bobby. I was so messed up. I was too deeply buried in -
DEAN: *unearthing a stray bra* Please do not finish that sentence.
SAM: - my obsession for revenge.
DEAN: Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days?
BOBBY: Right. We need a hot psychic to help us with the ratings, and I know where to find one. Incidentally, Dean, make sure you tell us if you start feeling demon-y.
SAM: *gives Dean back the amulet* I promised I’d never let you go,Jack Dean.
FANGIRLS: *are now a puddle of pink goo*
Impala, Motel Parking Lot.
DEAN: Hey, my sweet sexy li’l precious pumpkin! Did ya miss your Dean-o? *makes out with the Impala*
iPOD JACK: Ahem.
DEAN: *glares at Sam* Dude, I send my ass to hell for you and honor my memory by douching up my car with your girly emo shit?
SAM: Winchester house rules. Driver picks the music. Which used to be me.
DEAN: Yeah, you wish.
iPOD: *plays Jason Manns*
DEAN: *kills iPod dead*
iPOD: =’(
JASON MANNS: =( I thought we had a connection, dude!
SAM: *backstory backstory backstory* So Lilith is running scared, Ruby’s dead and I’m totally not messing around with my freaky Anti-Christ powers. It was your dying wish, Dean.
BULLSHIT-O-METER: *is off the charts*
DEAN: Well, since you tried to sell your soul, ditched Bobby for a suicide mission and douched up my car, it’s nice to think that you’ve honored at least one of my dying wishes.
Hot psychic’s house.
PAMELA BARNES: Bobbay!! Heheheh!!
BOBBY: Emma, baby!! Come to Daddy!!
PAMELA BARNES: *glomps him and gropes his arse*
FANGIRLS: O_o
SAM N’ DEAN: o_O
PAMELA: I’m a man-eater and you two are lookin’ like breakfast. *leers Deanly*
FANGIRLS: You shouldn’t do anything with her, Dean. She looks like she might be related to you.
DEAN: Ooh, I like feisty women!
PAMELA: *suggestive as an anvil* I’m gonna get you Hellboy, and your little brother too!
DEAN: *pouts at Sam* Hey, it’s my welcome-back-from-hell party and you’re not invited.
EVERYONE: *conducts a séance*
PAMELA: Gather around, let’s get some unknown spirits to possess me and squeal on who this season’s new badass mofo is. No, it is totally not dangerous. Everybody hold hands while I grope Dean’s arse. To channel the spirits.
PAMELA: *chants* I command you to get your ectoplasmic butt over here, I command you to get your ectoplasmic butt over here, I command you to get your ectoplasmic butt over…get outta my face, Castiel, I’m trying to see…AAAARGH!!!
PAMELA’S EYES: *have been Bloody-Maryed to shit*
DEAN: I guess that totally killed your sex drive, huh?
Random Diner.
DEAN: We gotta go after this guy.
SAM: Tired of having eyes, are you?
WAITTRESS: Howdy, fellas. *eyes go black*
REST OF DINER: *are also demons*
DEAN: Gawds, what is it about diners and demons? Are they invoked by pie or something?
DEMON WAITTRESS: So how come you’re such a special snowflake that you get bailed out of hell? Is it because you look like a duck?
FANGIRLS: *are freaked* Did she just call him a duck? How did you know that, Kripke?
DEAN: Nope, it’s because I have perky nipples.
FANGIRLS: ICON SMASH!
DEAN: Ha, I see into your puny demon mind! There’s some elite demon mofo playing silly buggers with y’all and now you’re crapping your pants in terror of me!
DEMON WAITTRESS: *malevolently* You’re a dead duck, Winchester!
DEAN: *HITS the WOMAN* *HITS the WOMAN again*
FANDOM: Ready. Get steady. MISOGYNY WANK!
DEAN: That was for the duck reference. And putting me off my pie. *leaves*
SAM: We gotta kill them all dead!
DEAN: Cool head. Think smart. One job at a time.
FANGIRLS: Okay, so now Dean is the Mr. Cool Logic who can read demon minds and Sam is the trigger-happy womanizer? Is there a bodyswap sub-plot we should know about?
Cheap motel room # 565.
DEAN: *zzzz*
GLASS CEILING: *reflects ominously*
SAM: *sneaks out* *steals Impala*
ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES: *go spastic*
DEAN: Oh no, it’s the evil dog whistle!
GLASS CEILING: I keel you, human! *misses landing on Dean* Drat!
ROOM: *is Blitzed to hell*
DEAN: Hopefully my ear drums will still survive this episode.
In Bobby’s car, with Bobby.
DEAN: *calls Sam* Young man, do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been? Who told you take my car?
SAM: Sorry, Dean, I haven’t got used to you being not dead yet.
DEAN: Whatevs. I’m gonna go do some male bonding with Bobby.
SAM: And I’m gonna go eat something.
FANGIRLS: How could you two have bought that? Dean doesn’t bond! Sam doesn’t eat! What happened to the Winchester mind link?
DEAN: Right. We’re going to blow off Sammy and summon some demons.
BOBBY: Because that went so well the first time.
DEAN: Don’t worry. I nicked Sam’s trusty Demon Army knife. We’ll be fine.
BOBBY: Winchesters! Three seasons and you still haven't learned anything.
The Demon Diner.
SAM: *sneaks in sneakily*
DEMON 1: *has encountered pie*
WAITTRESS DEMON: *fails to choke Sammy*
SAM: *knows more Kung-fu* Girl, you’re fighting blind!
WAITTRESS DEMON: Well, your soul stinks!
SAM: So do you know who’s the villain this season?
WAITTRESS DEMON: Yes. And we’re all DOOMED.
SAM: Well, that’s helpful. MAH MAD EXCORCIST SKILLZ! LET ME SHOW U THEMZ!
FANGIRLS: *are ded from sexy* Oh God, don’t stop!...Also, respected Dean’s dying wish, my ass. Truly hath Kripke cast you in his image.
SCANTILY CLAD CHICK (now with added clothing): Nice one, Grasshopper!
SAM: Guys, let me introduce you to the new Katie Cassidy.
SAM/RUBY SHIPPERS: ZOMG, we’ve been canonized! \o/
FANGIRLS: !!! We want Cassidy back!!
KRIPKE: Look, you’ve been whining about how you’re tired of bitchy blondes and the gross under-representation of brunettes on this show, and I’ve fixed both! Now give me a break!
Shed in the middle of nowhere which has been turned into a Exorcist fan-geek lab.
BOBBY: Tell me again why I keep indulging your suicidal tendencies?
DEAN: Because you love me like a son.
BOBBY: *gives up and gets with the summoning*
The Demon Diner.
CHRISTINE/ RUBY: So, are you gonna tell Dean that you bullshitted to him fresh out of the grave?
SAM: He has the Winchester mind link. He’ll figure it out.
CHRISTINE/ RUBY: Look, I’m not going to go down the same path Cassidy did and get between the fangirls and their Wincest. I need this job.
SAM: You can change your hair color and be as nice to me as you want, but I still don’t trust you.
CHRISTINE/ RUBY: Love ya too, bitch. I let you steal my favourite knife, betray my own kind, save your ass a hundred times, risk my own neck every time you don’t listen to me (which is all the time) and endure physical abuse and gendered insults in return. Plus, the pay is crap and the fangirls already hate me. Why am I still working here, again?
SAM: Besides, I may be gradually going Dark Side, but I’m still saving people and hunting things. For now. Life is good!
FANGIRLS: *headdesk* And to think you used to be the sane one.
Shed in the middle of nowhere.
DEAN: I knew it, the bastard stood us up. You sure you didn’t mess up the ritual, Bobby?
BOBBY: *death glare*
CREEPY ASS WIND: AM IN UR SHED, RATTLIN’ UR ASBESTOS!
*doors blow off, light show ensues and into the light steps…some guy in a trench coat.*
*Bobby and Dean makes some serious holes in CREEPY ASS GUY to no effect.*
DEAN: Who ARE you?
CREEPY ASS EYES: I heard you put out a call for “the eye-burning Godzilla psycho who pulled your ass outta hell” over the Demon PA system. I figured that meant me.
DEAN: Well, thanks, pal! I owe ya! *stabs him with demon knife*
NOTHING: *happens*
CREEPY ASS EYES: I ride your naked ass outta the fires of hell and you ruin my favourite trench coat. You're welcome, bitch.
*zaps Bobby to sleep and turns to Dean*
CREEPY ASS EYES: *meaningfully* Can we talk alone?
DEAN: We’re in a shed in the middle of nowhere and you’ve possibly killed my only backup. Unless grass is sentient, this is as alone as we’re gonna get. Who the hell are you?
CREEPY ASS EYES: I’m an Angel. Castiel’s the name and cheese is my game. I’m on the Thursday night beat. God says hi, btw.
DEAN: Right. I ain’t stupid. Angels don’t exist. Ghosts, poltergeists, demons and Anti-Christs, yes, but no Angels. Kripke said so!
CASTIEL: This is what’s wrong with you, Dean. Even after watching every one of your family die gruesome deaths and get dragged off to hell over the years, you still don’t have faith in God. What is wrong with you? Don’t you know that Kripke is a Lying Liar Who Lies?
DEAN: I wanna see your credentials!
CASTIEL: COWER B4 MAH FEATHERZ!
*huge-ass wings flap on the ceiling like an overgrown crow*
DEAN: Okay, so you’re possibly Birdman. I’ll take that much. So uh, you guys do this “wreaking extensive property damage and incinerating eyeballs” deal a lot?
CASTIEL: *sheepishly* Eh, sorry about that. I was just trying to say “howdy” in my usual angelic way. I just have that effect on people. I guess I hoped you would be the One who could perceive my true inner self! *gazes longingly into Dean’s eyes*
DEAN: Dude, that was you? And I thought Sam singing in the shower was bad! Do you always greet people by trying to rip them apart with glassware? Anyhow, no offense, but you look about as overwleming as a taz accountant.
CASTIEL: Oh, what, this? This is just a body we had lying around in the Celestial Meatsuit Cupboard.
DEAN: And you’re supposed to be the good guys?!
CASTIEL: It was a donation! The guy was a real groupie of mine, he won’t mind the trench coat.
DEAN:…WHY DID YOU SAVE ME?
CASTIEL: Hey, I’m just the gofer boy. God commands and I jump. And you know you really have issues when you keep complaining about being issued a “get-out-of-hell-and-six-feet-of-solid-earth” card. You think you don’t deserve to be saved? *eyeballs Dean creepily*
FANGIRLS: Are those gay vibes we see in the air?
DEAN: You’re spooky. And your background music is shitty too.
(to be continued)
Reviews are appreciated! =)
Title: Lazarus Rising Parody Recap.
Author: Me
Rating: R for language.
A/N: Parodies are apparently hard things to write. Hopefully I managed to be funny. Do not get pissed off, I only mock because I love.
THE ROAD SO FAR: *Sam n’ Dean fight the forces of female.*
The Most Awesome and Laughably Improbable Grave-Escape Sequence ever:
DEAN: *wakes up six feet under* heeeeelp! *switches on gas lighter*
FANGIRLS: He was buried with a lighter, whut?
DEAN: *smashes through the pine wood box*
EARTH: *does not fall on him and bury him alive*
DEAN: *improbably burrows his way up six feet of solid earth. Keeping his hands clean.*
DEAN’S HANDS: Hiya, fellas!
FANGIRLS: Okay, so this whole sequence just made no fucking sense, but – SQUEEE!!
WOODEN CROSS: Shadow, shadow, foreshadow.
REST OF THE WOOD: *is ded from nuke*
DEAN: Bzuh?
TITLE CARD: SUPERNATURAL!
FANGIRLS: WHERE IS MAH LOBSTER?!
Somewhere along a lonely Midwest road.
DEAN: *is in a Green Day song*
GAS STATION AND CLASSIC CAR: *is conveniently deserted*
DEAN: *breaks into gas station and grabs a newspaper* Whut? It’s the Season Premiere already? Hiya, fangirls! Let’s check me out, shall we? I’m too sexy for my shirt…Yep, still damn ripped. But only metaphorically, which should not be the case as I remember becoming puppy chow last season. Can someone clue me in on the plot point here?
FANGIRLS: *drools* Plot? Bzuh?
DEAN: Why do I have a Godzilla handprint disfiguring my bicep? What the hell kind of perv does that?
FANGIRLS: Even the demons can’t keep their hands off your manly mansome body, Dean. You should really strip down the rest of your clothes and see where else they’ve pawed you. It’s the only way!
DEAN: First order of business – secure the essentials. Water, beer, chocolate bars, cash, porn – check. Essentials secure.
*Sundry electric appliances go spastic*
DEAN: Great, now inanimate objects seem to have a life of their own. All this movie needs is a lady killer candelabra and a prissy pendulum clock.
*glass blows out*
DEAN: WTF?
In a phone booth.
DEAN: *dials number* Howdy Bobby! Long time dead, no see!
BOBBY: *click*
DEAN: *redials* Bobby, can’t your man-love recognize the child you never had?
BOBBY: Fuck you! I remember Long Distance Call from last season!
Bobby’s house.
DEAN: *shows up at Bobby’s in hotwired car*
BOBBY: *gives him warm Demon Hunter Welcome*
DEAN: Bobby stop! I am YOUR ALMOST SON! When you cut me
FANGIRLS: Squee!!
OTHER FANDOMS: You guys are really weird, you know that?
BOBBY: Dean, it’s really you!
MAN-LOVE: *ensues*
BOBBY: How’d you keep your complexion so tanned after four months buried in a coffin?
DEAN: I dunno, Bobby, I guess I’m naturally beautif- wha?! *sputters as Bobby gives him a holy water douche-bath* What the hell happened to a friendly holy-water-laced beer, Bobby?!
BOBBY: Sorry. Just checkin’.
NOTHING: *is funnier than Dean spitting out water with a deadpan expression*
BOBBY and DEAN: *establishes that something’s rotten in the state of Illinois– and it ain’t Dean*
DEAN: WHERE IS MAH SAMMEH? WHERE IS MAH BABY BROTHER?
BOBBY: Oh, he’s alive an kickin’. No worries.
DEAN: *deflates* Oh. So, he er, miss me? I mean, where is he?
BOBBY: Son, you’re a Winchester! What do Winchesters usually do when one of them sells his soul to the devil to save the other? He’s gone on the counter-soul-pawning, demon-hunting rampage just like you did in Season 2, Dean! It was Mystery Spot all over again.
DEAN: And you let him? Geez, a guy gets dead for four months and everything goes to hell with him! My dying wish was for you to baby-sit his freaky psychic ass 24/7, Bobby! And how come you didn’t salt and burn my exceptionally fine dead ass, anyway?
BOBBY: Sam wouldn’t let me. He said you’d need a body to come back to once he’d ordered your soul released from hell in his official capacity as the Anti-Christ.
DEAN: Sammy, you naughty boy!
BOBBY and DEAN: *track down Sam via cell phone trace and Winchester mind link *
Cheap motel # 564.
BOBBY and DEAN: *knocks on motel door*
SCANTILY CLAD WOMAN: I can haz pizza?
SAM: I can haz seizure? *Starts giving Dean another warm Demon Hunter Welcome*
BOBBY: *intervening* Been there, done that.
DEAN: What’s the matter with you, can’t you tell your own brother from a demonic mindfuck?
BROTHER-LOVIN’: *ensues and ensues and ensues*
FANGIRLS: THERE IS NOT ENOUGH SQUEE IN THE WORLD FOR THIS!!!
SCANTILY CLAD WOMAN: O_o. You guys are in gay love, right?
FANGIRLS: YESSS!!
DEAN and SAM: NO!! This is brother-lovin’! What the hell’s the matter with you, ppl?
KRIPKE: *sniggers like a 12-year-old*
SCW: Whatever you say. I’ll not be intrudin’ on your gay brotherlovin’ anymore. *coyly* Call me, Sam?
SAM: Sure, Catharine.
SCW: It’s Christine, bitch.
DEAN: How did you ever get laid without me?
SAM: *Establishes that no souls were harmed in the rising of this Lazarus. Not by him anyway.* I’m so sorry I couldn’t keep up the Winchester family tradition and sell my soul for you, Dean. I just came to Illinois to mess with Lilith’s face.
BOBBY: What, you were gonna try and Harry Potter your way to glory with your immunity to her Avada Kedavra and your trusty Demon Army knife?
SAM: *suspiciously quickly* I’m sorry I didn’t stay in touch, Bobby. I was so messed up. I was too deeply buried in -
DEAN: *unearthing a stray bra* Please do not finish that sentence.
SAM: - my obsession for revenge.
DEAN: Oh, is that what the kids are calling it these days?
BOBBY: Right. We need a hot psychic to help us with the ratings, and I know where to find one. Incidentally, Dean, make sure you tell us if you start feeling demon-y.
SAM: *gives Dean back the amulet* I promised I’d never let you go,
FANGIRLS: *are now a puddle of pink goo*
Impala, Motel Parking Lot.
DEAN: Hey, my sweet sexy li’l precious pumpkin! Did ya miss your Dean-o? *makes out with the Impala*
iPOD JACK: Ahem.
DEAN: *glares at Sam* Dude, I send my ass to hell for you and honor my memory by douching up my car with your girly emo shit?
SAM: Winchester house rules. Driver picks the music. Which used to be me.
DEAN: Yeah, you wish.
iPOD: *plays Jason Manns*
DEAN: *kills iPod dead*
iPOD: =’(
JASON MANNS: =( I thought we had a connection, dude!
SAM: *backstory backstory backstory* So Lilith is running scared, Ruby’s dead and I’m totally not messing around with my freaky Anti-Christ powers. It was your dying wish, Dean.
BULLSHIT-O-METER: *is off the charts*
DEAN: Well, since you tried to sell your soul, ditched Bobby for a suicide mission and douched up my car, it’s nice to think that you’ve honored at least one of my dying wishes.
Hot psychic’s house.
PAMELA BARNES: Bobbay!! Heheheh!!
BOBBY: Emma, baby!! Come to Daddy!!
PAMELA BARNES: *glomps him and gropes his arse*
FANGIRLS: O_o
SAM N’ DEAN: o_O
PAMELA: I’m a man-eater and you two are lookin’ like breakfast. *leers Deanly*
FANGIRLS: You shouldn’t do anything with her, Dean. She looks like she might be related to you.
DEAN: Ooh, I like feisty women!
PAMELA: *suggestive as an anvil* I’m gonna get you Hellboy, and your little brother too!
DEAN: *pouts at Sam* Hey, it’s my welcome-back-from-hell party and you’re not invited.
EVERYONE: *conducts a séance*
PAMELA: Gather around, let’s get some unknown spirits to possess me and squeal on who this season’s new badass mofo is. No, it is totally not dangerous. Everybody hold hands while I grope Dean’s arse. To channel the spirits.
PAMELA: *chants* I command you to get your ectoplasmic butt over here, I command you to get your ectoplasmic butt over here, I command you to get your ectoplasmic butt over…get outta my face, Castiel, I’m trying to see…AAAARGH!!!
PAMELA’S EYES: *have been Bloody-Maryed to shit*
DEAN: I guess that totally killed your sex drive, huh?
Random Diner.
DEAN: We gotta go after this guy.
SAM: Tired of having eyes, are you?
WAITTRESS: Howdy, fellas. *eyes go black*
REST OF DINER: *are also demons*
DEAN: Gawds, what is it about diners and demons? Are they invoked by pie or something?
DEMON WAITTRESS: So how come you’re such a special snowflake that you get bailed out of hell? Is it because you look like a duck?
FANGIRLS: *are freaked* Did she just call him a duck? How did you know that, Kripke?
DEAN: Nope, it’s because I have perky nipples.
FANGIRLS: ICON SMASH!
DEAN: Ha, I see into your puny demon mind! There’s some elite demon mofo playing silly buggers with y’all and now you’re crapping your pants in terror of me!
DEMON WAITTRESS: *malevolently* You’re a dead duck, Winchester!
DEAN: *HITS the WOMAN* *HITS the WOMAN again*
FANDOM: Ready. Get steady. MISOGYNY WANK!
DEAN: That was for the duck reference. And putting me off my pie. *leaves*
SAM: We gotta kill them all dead!
DEAN: Cool head. Think smart. One job at a time.
FANGIRLS: Okay, so now Dean is the Mr. Cool Logic who can read demon minds and Sam is the trigger-happy womanizer? Is there a bodyswap sub-plot we should know about?
Cheap motel room # 565.
DEAN: *zzzz*
GLASS CEILING: *reflects ominously*
SAM: *sneaks out* *steals Impala*
ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES: *go spastic*
DEAN: Oh no, it’s the evil dog whistle!
GLASS CEILING: I keel you, human! *misses landing on Dean* Drat!
ROOM: *is Blitzed to hell*
DEAN: Hopefully my ear drums will still survive this episode.
In Bobby’s car, with Bobby.
DEAN: *calls Sam* Young man, do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been? Who told you take my car?
SAM: Sorry, Dean, I haven’t got used to you being not dead yet.
DEAN: Whatevs. I’m gonna go do some male bonding with Bobby.
SAM: And I’m gonna go eat something.
FANGIRLS: How could you two have bought that? Dean doesn’t bond! Sam doesn’t eat! What happened to the Winchester mind link?
DEAN: Right. We’re going to blow off Sammy and summon some demons.
BOBBY: Because that went so well the first time.
DEAN: Don’t worry. I nicked Sam’s trusty Demon Army knife. We’ll be fine.
BOBBY: Winchesters! Three seasons and you still haven't learned anything.
The Demon Diner.
SAM: *sneaks in sneakily*
DEMON 1: *has encountered pie*
WAITTRESS DEMON: *fails to choke Sammy*
SAM: *knows more Kung-fu* Girl, you’re fighting blind!
WAITTRESS DEMON: Well, your soul stinks!
SAM: So do you know who’s the villain this season?
WAITTRESS DEMON: Yes. And we’re all DOOMED.
SAM: Well, that’s helpful. MAH MAD EXCORCIST SKILLZ! LET ME SHOW U THEMZ!
FANGIRLS: *are ded from sexy* Oh God, don’t stop!...Also, respected Dean’s dying wish, my ass. Truly hath Kripke cast you in his image.
SCANTILY CLAD CHICK (now with added clothing): Nice one, Grasshopper!
SAM: Guys, let me introduce you to the new Katie Cassidy.
SAM/RUBY SHIPPERS: ZOMG, we’ve been canonized! \o/
FANGIRLS: !!! We want Cassidy back!!
KRIPKE: Look, you’ve been whining about how you’re tired of bitchy blondes and the gross under-representation of brunettes on this show, and I’ve fixed both! Now give me a break!
Shed in the middle of nowhere which has been turned into a Exorcist fan-geek lab.
BOBBY: Tell me again why I keep indulging your suicidal tendencies?
DEAN: Because you love me like a son.
BOBBY: *gives up and gets with the summoning*
The Demon Diner.
CHRISTINE/ RUBY: So, are you gonna tell Dean that you bullshitted to him fresh out of the grave?
SAM: He has the Winchester mind link. He’ll figure it out.
CHRISTINE/ RUBY: Look, I’m not going to go down the same path Cassidy did and get between the fangirls and their Wincest. I need this job.
SAM: You can change your hair color and be as nice to me as you want, but I still don’t trust you.
CHRISTINE/ RUBY: Love ya too, bitch. I let you steal my favourite knife, betray my own kind, save your ass a hundred times, risk my own neck every time you don’t listen to me (which is all the time) and endure physical abuse and gendered insults in return. Plus, the pay is crap and the fangirls already hate me. Why am I still working here, again?
SAM: Besides, I may be gradually going Dark Side, but I’m still saving people and hunting things. For now. Life is good!
FANGIRLS: *headdesk* And to think you used to be the sane one.
Shed in the middle of nowhere.
DEAN: I knew it, the bastard stood us up. You sure you didn’t mess up the ritual, Bobby?
BOBBY: *death glare*
CREEPY ASS WIND: AM IN UR SHED, RATTLIN’ UR ASBESTOS!
*doors blow off, light show ensues and into the light steps…some guy in a trench coat.*
*Bobby and Dean makes some serious holes in CREEPY ASS GUY to no effect.*
DEAN: Who ARE you?
CREEPY ASS EYES: I heard you put out a call for “the eye-burning Godzilla psycho who pulled your ass outta hell” over the Demon PA system. I figured that meant me.
DEAN: Well, thanks, pal! I owe ya! *stabs him with demon knife*
NOTHING: *happens*
CREEPY ASS EYES: I ride your naked ass outta the fires of hell and you ruin my favourite trench coat. You're welcome, bitch.
*zaps Bobby to sleep and turns to Dean*
CREEPY ASS EYES: *meaningfully* Can we talk alone?
DEAN: We’re in a shed in the middle of nowhere and you’ve possibly killed my only backup. Unless grass is sentient, this is as alone as we’re gonna get. Who the hell are you?
CREEPY ASS EYES: I’m an Angel. Castiel’s the name and cheese is my game. I’m on the Thursday night beat. God says hi, btw.
DEAN: Right. I ain’t stupid. Angels don’t exist. Ghosts, poltergeists, demons and Anti-Christs, yes, but no Angels. Kripke said so!
CASTIEL: This is what’s wrong with you, Dean. Even after watching every one of your family die gruesome deaths and get dragged off to hell over the years, you still don’t have faith in God. What is wrong with you? Don’t you know that Kripke is a Lying Liar Who Lies?
DEAN: I wanna see your credentials!
CASTIEL: COWER B4 MAH FEATHERZ!
*huge-ass wings flap on the ceiling like an overgrown crow*
DEAN: Okay, so you’re possibly Birdman. I’ll take that much. So uh, you guys do this “wreaking extensive property damage and incinerating eyeballs” deal a lot?
CASTIEL: *sheepishly* Eh, sorry about that. I was just trying to say “howdy” in my usual angelic way. I just have that effect on people. I guess I hoped you would be the One who could perceive my true inner self! *gazes longingly into Dean’s eyes*
DEAN: Dude, that was you? And I thought Sam singing in the shower was bad! Do you always greet people by trying to rip them apart with glassware? Anyhow, no offense, but you look about as overwleming as a taz accountant.
CASTIEL: Oh, what, this? This is just a body we had lying around in the Celestial Meatsuit Cupboard.
DEAN: And you’re supposed to be the good guys?!
CASTIEL: It was a donation! The guy was a real groupie of mine, he won’t mind the trench coat.
DEAN:…WHY DID YOU SAVE ME?
CASTIEL: Hey, I’m just the gofer boy. God commands and I jump. And you know you really have issues when you keep complaining about being issued a “get-out-of-hell-and-six-feet-of-solid-earth” card. You think you don’t deserve to be saved? *eyeballs Dean creepily*
FANGIRLS: Are those gay vibes we see in the air?
DEAN: You’re spooky. And your background music is shitty too.
(to be continued)
Reviews are appreciated! =)
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Date: 2008-10-05 06:49 am (UTC)I thought people only said stuff like that on YouTube. *rolls eyes* I know that a lot of people are uncomfortable with the storyline getting increasingly Biblical, but as far as I know, most don't mind as long it doesn't get all preachy.
Sorry I'm so late in relpying, and thanks for the R&R! *hugs* Being funny is hard, yo!
P.S: The nearest I've got to Carrie, book or movie, is the Wikipedia article. Not a fan of horror, you see. Thanks for informing me though. =)